Thursday, March 31, 2011

love - Stand by me !

 it just hit me: I want others to love me more than I love myself.
That does not work.
Because I can't accept more from others than I can accept from myself

I accept accept all the love I get !
No you don't
Come on, are you saying I'm not accepting all the love I get ? It's like saying I don't accept free $100 bills.
Do you ?
Do you accept all the love you can get ?
Yes, I think so, its like accepting a free lunch.

Ok, then let me ask you this: 
When you did XXX in 2009 do you accept yourself and still love yourself ? Or do you reject yourself, beat yourself up about it ? 
Oh that ?! Well that was really stupid and wrong. It was wrong by any moral standard. Reprehensible and not nice.
Yes, ok, so what ? 
What do you mean so what ? I can't just say it was ok when it wasn't.
The question is not about whether it was OK, or right or wrong. The question is: do you still accept yourself when you did XXX in 2009 ?  I didn't even say 'love' I said 'accept'.
Ahh... I see. To be honest, no. I don't accept myself for that.
So the actions of XXX in 2009 are more important than YOU ?
I guess so, if you put it like that.
Non acceptance is a kind of denial of existence, 
I see that, yes. For what I did in 2009 yes, I don't accept myself, I can't love myself.
I feel that I'm not more important than those things I did wrong.


When I've done something I don't like, something I don't accept in others and not in myself,
What do I do ?
I bash myself up, - meaning: I condemn myself. I put myself down.
(Note: those are all NON  physical actions, nothing happens that an outsider can physically observe, but the results are real and deep- this is something worth thinking about more.... hm..... )
Where does the self love come in ?
At the point where  I bash myself up. 
At the point where I want to hate myself.
Ah... But isn't that right ? you did do something bad, reprehensible, morally ugly. 
Now you're testing me.
The action was wrong yes. As judged by an outsider.
But inside myself, I did it for a reason.
And the work of love comes in at this point. To stand by YOURself even in such times.
It is easy to stand by yourself when you do all the 'right' things.
The real work is when you don't do 'all the right things'.
That's when it gets 'interesting'.
You talked of "the work of love"  what do you mean ? 
Not hating myself, when the outside world condemns me. I don't have to say what I did was right, or to do it again. The key is how i relate to myself. Do I stand by myself ? or reject myself ?
That is the "work of love".
And it is real 'work', in a very strange but real way it IS work.

If I pretend to accept myself but I don't really I will become one of those people justifying his actions to everyone, picking arguments with people about that topic.
If I pretend to accept myself but I don't really that issue will become a "button" - i.e. something that if anyone touches that topic I get furious, upset, and unreasonable....

The capacity to do without what you want will enhance your self-esteem and your integrity, and this will begin to enrich you from within your own resources. Then the fulfillment from without becomes a natural by-product of your inner state.

Monday, March 28, 2011

getting real, - getting older - seeing through the game

Only caged dogs bark.... 
- Tengra Ngiam

I read this yesterday:
for easier reading -click on the picture to see it full size
It comes from the book  A Fortune-Teller Told Me: Earthbound Travels in the Far East
by Tiziano Terzani.  
As I get older there is a kind of liberation. 
Not the angry young man's liberation, 
But the liberation from self imposed restrictions and rules. 
Finally I see that so much of what I've bought into is not worth the effort. 
There are other ways. 
Most of it smoke and mirrors and  bluff, - bluff as in poker-bluff. 
Once you dare to call the bluff you laugh at yourself,
because the point was for me to find the courage to call the bluff. Break the hypnotic gaze of those imagined 'should's' and shouldn't 's. 

The challenges and the fears are all internal. Conquer those and the rest is half done. 

Why all this carry on ? 
Why all this smoke and mirrors when I was younger ?
I got upset. 
Then I realized: it was part of the game.
You are young, you are naive, you believe stuff they tell you.... 
And then you fight your way back to your own truth. 

It reminds me of those initiation rites: they drop you in the middel of the jungle with a compass and a knife and one other item of your choice. 
Can you find your way back ?
They drop you in childhood, with only the still quiet voice of your own heart and a jungle of distrations - to see how long it takes you to get back 'home'. :-) 

The dogs bark, but the Caravan moves on....
Old Arab proverb. 

I never met Tiziano, I only met him in his book. 
But I did meet the Surgeon Dr Naga  in Burma (Myanmar).
As punishment for his outpokeness Dr Naga was transferred to a hospital in the Naga hill, which was not used much.
         None of the local people went to hospitals, despite their need for medical help. This was in the 1960's
So Dr Naga walked  to the villages where the people lived.
He often dressed like them and walked all over Nagaland, operating on those who had real problems.

He performed surgery in the Nagaland hills using only a local anaesthetics.
           He operated on his patients while they were conscious and obtained useful feedback from them during the operation. He would ask his patients to sing or speak while he operated, both to help them and to assist his surgery.
           He walked from village to village performing many goiter operations, removing 'bumps and lumps'. This is his story starting 1965.
Dr Naga turned no one away for lack of money or payment.
He refused to take payment from those he helped. He simply did his job. He had enough to live and work and do his work.His story is here

.........someone who found his way back home. 


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'll take it out in hate....- self love

As a younger dog, when I read about self love,  I called it "self LeeeeeRrrrrrVE" in my mind.
It was an unmanly, wimpish, stupid idea.
I had images of someone hugging himself... and that really turned me off.
For god's sake, get a grip man.
"self love ?" uuuggghhhhh ................ let's change the topic.

I asked my father,
I said, "Father change my name."
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame.
Yes and lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover 
come back to me,
yes and lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover 
come back to me.

He said, "I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial.
You can use it for a weapon,
or to make some woman smile."
-Leonard Cohen "Lover Lover Lover"

Then one day I realized,
my life was not really working
I was miserable, grumpy, and snarled at the world, getting angry at small things.

why ?
I hated myself.
I hated what I had done.
I hated who I had become. 
I hated the choices I'd made and wished I'd not made them.
I hated myself for that. What an idiot I had been do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
That's not me, that's just plain stupid, weak, low, morally low behaviour, especially yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

So I got stricter with myself, I had to make it up,
I had to do better.
I didn't.
I added zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to my list of stupid despicable things.

Then the dislike really started.
Being a red blooded (wimpy) man, I didn't realize that I disliked myself.
I just didn't see any good in anything around me,
I criticized everything.
I found fault with everything,
I dumped my anger on the bureaucracy I worked in,
the inefficient stupid system we all worked in .....yada yada. yada....  you get the idea I'm sure.

I ate and ate and ate,
no I did not miss a plate, well
How much do these suppers cost?
We'll take it out in hate.

I spent my hatred everyplace,
on every work on every face,
someone gave me wishes
and I wished for an embrace.

Several girls embraced me, then
I was embraced by men,
Is my passion perfect?
No, do it once again.
  - Leonard Cohen;  "Teachers"

After a few years (yes years, actually make that a decade) I finally twigged.
"Oh, you mean I don't like myself ?"
Hm... I think that is it.
I never realized that self hate does not come with a yellow post-it note stuck on it saying "Hi there this is self-hate" 

Ok nice.
So  now what ?
I took the first tottering steps to self love (uuuughhhh even writing it like this still makes me cringe)
I'm too embarrassed to say more.
But I know in my guts this is the way forward.

only forgiveness works, which is really: 
self love.
not because of any excuse,
not because of any rational reason,
just because of love for self.
simple and as hard as that.

so simple.
so damn hard.
and very real.

Yesterday I wrote this bit below, someone who had done something they considered bad, but it was really written to myself:

in such situations,
you might might give yourself a hard time, taking things out in self-hate and self punishment and pain to make up for what you did.
It won't work of course.
only forgiveness works.
self love.
not because of any excuse,
not because of any rational reason,
just because of love for self.
as simple and as hard as that. 

I 'm still surprised at myself,
did I really write stuff like that ? 
such touchy feely stuff ?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

creating all the time

Consciousness creates all the time. 
They say: We are children of a creator

I picture a stream like a fountain spouting forth. 
The stream can't stop, it keeps moving, the water emerges. 
The only choice I have where I direct this stream....
If I direct it to fear, then I create more of what I fear. 
if I direct it to positive, I create positive.... 

I read this recently: 

Whenever the feeling comes over you
that you have no choices
I urge you to call a halt to everything.
This is a trick you play on yourself
to avoid having to assume 
the responsibility and therefore the joy
of life
Wow!!! That is tough stuff. 
And YES! it makes sense. 
I can see how I DO avoid the joy of life. 
In telling myself I  am powerless.
In giving myself 1001 reasons why I can't do something.
In making myself small and helpless (so that I have no choice against a BIG POWEFUL other)
and so it goes on and on.... 


The same guy goes on to say

Envision instead, what it is your truly want.
Test it. Be careful of this, my friends, 
because if you envision something quite casually 
and do it with conviction,
even though you may not be sure you want it,
it will manifest.
This is neither magic nor false hope. 
It is the reality of the power
of your creative impulse.
This is why it is so important to develop
self-awareness to the depth of your ability
so that no creation can come about in your life
without your having made the choice. 

You have designed your life yourself.
You have created nothing in your outer reality
that is a stranger to you.
The inestimable joy of human manifestation
is to see around you
in what seem to be outer circumstances
what you truly believe as a soul.

Look at your physical manifestation as a symbol
and view your body as an extension o your soul,
to spoken word of your being.

Your life is not your master,
It is your child     from: Emmanuel's book.
I've suspected as much. 
For some, like myself, who take pride in how harsh they are with themselves, this could give more fodder for self recrimination.
But in the end that is just avoidance. Guilt and self-recrimination does not create anything positive.

I know all that, but that didn't stop me...(much):
"Oh my gawwwwd you mean, I'm responsible for the mess of my life arrrgaaaggggg NOoooooooooooooooo!!!" 
Not like that, don't take the writing like that.
It's more like a toddler learning to walk. She falls. She gets up, takes some nice steps, falls. Does she sit and beat herself up about falling ? Well I guess she could, but being a toddler, she's a lot smarter than a grown up, so she has a cry (or not) and gets up and does it all again... until one day she can walk....
and.... run
and.... dance
and.... "_____________:-)"
The challenge is to face the joy, the reality of life. 
I never realized that reality and joy were linked to responsibility. 

In my childhood brain I associated fun and joy with freedom from responsibility and constraints. 
Looks like it does not work that way.... 


Friday, March 18, 2011

intent - Self Love - and the art of body maintenance

Respect yourself.
Have you heard people say that ? 
Love yourself. 
Yea, nice idea. 
But how ? 
I get this image of repeating some "I love myself" mantra, it feels stupid and fake and I throw it all out the window. 
Yea I know 'self respect, self love' is a good idea, but ..... ????? How ? what's it REALLY mean ? 

Well I found something that answers that --- for me at least  :-)
 Bear with me, its a little story.....

Vientiane 2000
Sitting in the park doing Chi Gong a lady wanders around and gets closer to where I am sitting practicing. (12Mar2011)
She seems to have no real purpose other than to wander and watch and poke her nose around.
I feel uncomfortable, I wish she would go away. 
She's too close, she's too nosy.
I say nothing to her, I don't look at her, but I wish she would "Go away".
I notice how I automatically give out the vibes of "move, go, get out" - even to myself it feels like a force field, some kind of magnetic repelling field.
She wanders off.

That was intent.

It  felt like I had some kind of magnetic and mysterious power.
(Yea yea yea, I know the skeptics will say she would have wandered off anyway, - they can have their universe, I'll have mine :-)     )
I remember Carlos Castaneda talking about intent, it is the key to warrior's life.
He speaks about 'intent' as the most powerful force in the universe.
Intent directs the warrior's life. It directs everyone's life but they don't know how to use it focused and consistently.  Most people use it erratically and get erratic results. Interesting, something to try and check out.... an experiment to do in the University of life.
Castaneda says not to worry about the HOW, simply to  throw out the intent for something.
I do that by holding a picture in my mind.
His students asked Castaneda "HOW?" 
"You intend by intending !"

I wonder, how much do I intent things in my life that I'm not consciously 'intending' to do.

Hm.... a new Chi Gong exercise comes to me mind now, something to teach in my Chi Gong classes
Pretend you have magical powers....
Proviso: Of course: negative things and selfish things rebound on your 10 times more.

Self love. 
Yea. You were going to talk about that
What about it? 
This morning, I felt it. 
Uhu, so ? 
It felt like that intent to make the lady go away. Instead of 'go away' I felt positive liking, care, 'love'. 
It was no words, it was a feeling. 
It was an 'ambience' a sense of 'something' around me, an 'intent' of positivity, likiing towards myself. 
(doesn't happen that much, so it surprised me)
So that is how it works.... 
Just took 51 years to work it out. 

Now to practice it assiduously.... (see if I can last longer than 11 minutes)

- Carlos Castaneda talks about unbending intent in his books.
- Core intent guides a person's life. Whatever they put in there, it takes it and creates it.

what young dogs think - they're old so it doesn't matter

Sitting in the Creperie Restaurant last night (17Mar11) I couldn't help over hearing the table next to me. The volume and the proximity made it hard to concentrate. 

"They're old anyway, so it doesn't matter. They can go and do whatever, go anywhere." 
The young man was talking very enthusiastically to a young Vietnamese lady
It reminded me of myself in my younger days. 
I thought that older people would have less fears because after all they're older, there is MUCH less to lose, isn't there ? 
I mean, why worry, they're going to die soon anyway, so they can really cut lose and enjoy life, can't they ? 
They would not be so scared of life like me. Not so overly cautious would they ? 
I really did think something like that once, in my (more) naive youth. 
How wrong can you be ? 

Ha ha ha.... 
Would be nice. If only. 

I remember reading in the New Scientist (?  or somewhere like that) that bees and ants send the older bees out further from the hive, on the more dangerous missions, because they were more expendable. They had less working life to contribute to the hive. (Well ok, this is what the scientists THINK the bees are doing, I've not asked the bees). 

Now that I'm over 50 (what ME, over 50 ? I thought getting older only happens to others. Never to ME!) 
Let's try again: NOW THAT I"M OVER 50! 
I see that the opposite is true. As we get older we get more cautious, more afraid. 
Less adventurous, less passionate. 
There are exceptions. 

NB: I even saved that web-page about older bees going on the riskier missions on my hard drive, but can't find it now.... anyone has a copy ? 
FOUND IT: its not bees, its ants:
Let me quote a small bit from it:

In many ant species, younger workers spend their time at the center of the nest where it's safest, tending to the queen and eggs. As the ants age, they take up tasks further out. The oldest ants carry out the most dangerous work, foraging for food outside the nest where they are more likely to meet their doom. However, it has been determined that in many ants, the correlation between age and task is not so strong, where the division of labor is quite flexible. Age may influence what a worker does, but they may revert to old tasks if needed. Therefore, age isn't the organizing principle in division of labor for many species.

I wouldn't be surprised if something like that applies to bees  too.

Humans do something like that too. In an emergency it is 'women and children first' at least that is what the movies tell us when a ship goes down. I like think it would really happen like that. I like to think I would follow that rule if it ever came to it.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Happy-ness & Tantrums

2000 Vientiane Laos
When I'm not happy, I'm not happy. 
I want to be happy. 
I demand to be happy. 
I should be happy. 
Somebody should make me happy. 
They should give me what I want ! NOW !!!

All that really means is: 'I want to feel better'. 
How better ? 
Just better. 
You mean not like you feel now ? 
Yea, right. NOT how I feel right now. I want to feel nice, good, happy. 


I realized that most of my unhappiness comes from demanding to NOT feel what I'm feeling right now. 
Often I don't even know what I'm feeling, I just don't want to know, I just want it all to go away - NOW !!!

90% of my unhappiness comes from NOT wanting to know. 
The "not wanting to know" is a bit too gentle. 
I "refuse to know" 
I demand that the feelings change NOW because I don't want to know what they are ! 
You demand ?

I see. Is it a demand ? 
Yes, it is. I demand that the feeling change, that I don't have to feel it. 
That is 90% of the problem. 
The demand!
NOW !!!
Make the feeling go away, whatever it is, I want it to go away, NOW !!!

Then it hit me: I'm throwing a tantrum ! Wow !
Isn't that what children do ?
Stomping their feet, screaming and yelling. 
But I'm doing the same thing, in a mature, adult, sophisticated way. Not the childish obvious way. 
I tell myself its not a tantrum, its serious adult business. 
But when I'm honest: its a good old tantrum. 

When I feel grumpy, unhappy, pissed off, most of that is because of the tantrum, the demand  to feel better, NOW! instantly!
So what about the rest, the non-tantrum bits, the real feelings ?
I don't know, I've not really looked at them very much. 
I was too busy throwing a tantrum.

Be kind to yourself. 
Huh ? 
Be kind to yourself.
But I've just been throwing tantrums
Yea. So what ? 
That's not nice. 
So what ? 
I gotta punish myself. 
Which will make you more unhappy.
So what am I supposed to do ? I can't just let myself of  the hook that easily ? I'd never let a child get away with a tantrum. 
Be kind to yourself.
Just like that ? 
You don't have to. Your choice. Try it, you can always beat yourself up later if you don't like it.


Tuesday, March 15, 2011

fear of what ? fear of self ? you're kidding!

Why am I hesitant about trying new things ? (new job, new lifestyle, new biz  ....)
Because if they don't work out I will look stupid. 
Because if they don't work out I will be criticized. 
Because if they don't work out I will criticize MYSELF !
I will beat MYSELF up. 

I will call myself idiotic and give myself such a hard time that anything anyone else says is nothing compared to what I do to myself. 
I've just now given myself such  a hard time about some decisions I've made and am making that I gave myself a pain in the heart. 
Sounds strange ? Yea,  I thought so too, but I really found out first hand the mind, feeling, body link.
I am sure that one led to the other.

So when I really look at it, much of what, ... ok... MOST of what is holding me back is the fear of my own self loathing and self criticsms..... 

Hm.... interesting... they say you can't change anyone else, you can't change things out there, you can only change yourself.... 
Hm..... now how is that going to work in this situation.... 

“The most beautiful people I have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
– Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross

Sunday, March 13, 2011

money - a sparrow's view

3 minutes after writing this blog, outside the Cafe, I saw this!
I like feeding birds.
So I threw  the extra rice I couldn't eat on the ground for the birds.
(I live in Saigon, it's still ok to feed the birds here, I guess mainly old people and crazy foreigners do it, but it's ok) 
The sparrows came quickly.
But they did not stay and eat all of it.
They flitted around and away.
I guess they trusted that there would  always be more...

If I was a sparrow with a human brain, I'd eat as much as I could, I'd make a stash in case I never find more.
I'd start a sparrow bank savings account and invest so that it grew while I did nothing.
And that would be the left brain mind way. Thinking logically. Planning for the worst, thereby encouraging it and conjuring it closer. 

Compare it to the way of the sparrow, everything is fuzzy, and nothing is straight for long, everything changes and moves and alters. Never sits still, no time to invest or open an account.
Life is too much fun to do that.... 

Wouldn't that be nice...........? ! ? ! ?
Would it ? ! ?
Money, it's a gas
Grab that cash with both hands
And make a stash

New car, caviar, four star daydream
Think I'll buy me a football team

Money get back
I'm all right Jack
Keep your hands off my stack

Money, it's a hit
Don't give me that
Do goody good bullshit

I'm in the hi-fidelity
First class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet

(Sax and guitar solos)

Money, it's a crime
Share it fairly
But don't take a slice of my pie

Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil

But if you ask for a rise
It's no surprise that they're
Giving none away

Pink Floyd "Money" 

Yes, I know, there are pigeons not sparrows in the pictures.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

tell me more about about "rushing around in life"

tell me more about about "rushing around in life"

don't you feel that much of the time you are DRIVEN by something inside, not something calm but something pushy, urgent... sometimes desperate, sometimes afraid,.... no time to stop... no time  to think....  
"gotta dooooo thissss n gotta doooo that...."
that is the "rushing around" I mean.

do you sense it ? do you know it ?

almost like a fear of silence...

but a monk/nun in the monastery of life can practice stillness and calm in the midst of that daily life.

That IS the challenge for the nun/monk in the monastery of life. 

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

what am I running from ?

slowing down and feeling what makes me run and rush so much.... is scary. 
Why is it so scary ? 
What am I rushing and running for ?

Monday, March 07, 2011

Why are you so afraid to trust in what you hope is true?

2001 Laos
 Why are you so afraid to trust in what you hope is true?
"Because," you say, "my heart was broken once by disappointment when I trusted." 

No, your heart was broken by the impossible demands of fear that placed the nature of your fulfillment inside the narrow, painful confines of its own capability of understanding. 

Faith is not a fool's paradise. It is the soul's singular gift and purpose.

from: - Emmanuel. 

Saturday, March 05, 2011

The nation of Haiko = PART 2 FROM love melts - "should" rebells - the core of self

Laos 2000
In the last post    love melts - "should" rebells - the core of self   I wrote about how  "should" and "ought" often carry this "or else...." threat of force. There is NO choice. Actually there is no respect. The Core BEing of a person does not like that. 
It sets up a war. 
Especially if the "should" is an order from the outside, a social expection like "you should be wildly successful and look tall trim and terrific" 
"Should lose some weight..." (or whatever it is for you). 
"you should love love football like all your brothers,.... "  etc... etc...lots of examples... 

The reason for the war within is that the Core BEing of a person has its own life. 
Have you ever tried to make yourself like something you don't like ? 
Did it work ? 
Really ? 
If yes, great, you are lucky. 
For me it does not work. The more I try to force myself to like something I don't like the less I like it. 
It came as a real surprise to me. 
I realized that I am not just a mind, a set of mental beliefs, there was something else that was ME deep inside that was not definable in words, but he really KNEW what he wanted.
Sure I can force myself to do what my mind thinks I ought to, have the career that society says I should. etc... blah blah... but there is a price to pay.  

I think of it similar to how a country and its government works. 
The Government, is my conscious mind. The people are the rest of me. 
Sometimes I behave like a dictator, I force the people to bow to my will. 
Sometimes there is a strike by the people - I get sick, ill and can't seem to function, can't get my act together. 
Or I can make myself do whatever I am supposed to but deep down I dislike it and it takes a HUGE amount of energy. Govt forces have to whip the people into getting the work done. Not a pleasant atmosphere in the country of Haiko.  

I like the analogy of thinking of  myself as country, a people, a government. How do I govern myself ? 
Am I some kind of dictator, who rigidly controls everything ? 
Is there a secret rebellion in the land ? 
Rebel forces in the psyche ? 
Conflicting desires ?
Of course, there is always some discontent in any nation.
Is the country of  "Haiko" a true democracy, does the Government express the will of all the people, honestly and without self serving trickery ? 
Does my government listen to the people ? work for the good of all ? or only for the good of a few ?  Which few ? the ones who like certain types of stimulation perhaps ? erhumm.... ?!
How do I govern myself ?  
In that sense, coming into harmony with myself is indeed a way of harmonizing the world. Perhaps all those monks and nuns do have a point, working in their own way  to bring about harmony and peace.  

Myself as a country,  - it's a useful picture, I like it. 

Right now, there is a bit of pain in my right side, just below the ribs in the Nation of Haiko. The government of Haiko is taxing that part of the country too heavily, the farmer's feel screwed and used. 
The whole Nation of Haiko is suffering a bit of an economic downer because the Government keeps the lights on too long, spends too much and won't get enough time for rest and recovery. "produce, produce !!!" is the order from above.... 

There is an ancient principle that sums up this way to thinking: The larger is a reflection of the smaller - or - the microcosm is a reflection of the macrocosm - or - as above so below. 
The society I live in, is the collective expression of every living person in it.  

My life is the expression of my deep inner beliefs and reality... looking back at me and staring me in the face. 

Does my government repress the voices of dissent ? Send in the troops and gun down the rebels ? Does the government of Haiko sit down and negotiate ? Hold free and fair and honest elections and allow the elections of a party that the current government does not like ? 
(That's called: being willing to change)

All those things are easy to see when they are played out on the grand scale of a nation, and you see the effects in the news, on TV and Video blogs. 
Popular uprisings to depose a dictator. 
Rigged elections to prevent genuine change...

Where does the nation of Haiko fall in all this ? Are there rebel forces ? Is there a large popular groundswell of discontent or are the people happy and able to get on with their lives  in peace ? 

This post builds on the earlier one:

Next blog on "free choice" 
why is is neccesary for the core to have free choice ? After all if I know the BEST way there is no choice, I HAVE To take it don't I ? Don't I ? I mean its the best right ? so what choice  is there ? I gotta do it. 
all other ways are worse. 
It's about respect, and more than that too.  

And what if there is something you just HAVE to do (stay in Job you can't leave) ? 
Your core dislikes it
You can't make yourself like what you genuinely don't what to do ??? 
next blog....  I hope..... :-) 
Laos 2000

love melts - "should" rebells - the core of self

I should do this.... I really should,.... but I don't. 
This is the wise choice....but I don't take it. 
This is the right and honourable thing to do.....
but I don't do it... 
2006 Tropical bloom

Sound familiar ? 
Yes ? 
then read on, if not, this blog will prob bore you. 

I've wondered why this is such a familiar story, in my own life and that of others I talk to. 
Then it came to me: 
Perhaps what is happening is that the center and the Core BEing of a person is truly free.
A "SHOULD do this..." and a " THIS IS THE RIGHT THING DO TO DO IT..." carry as a subtext the hidden implied dagger to the throat that says "OR I WILL NOT LOVE YOU, RESPECT YOU ANYMORE." meaning "I will not love and respect myself anymore". 

There is an implied forcing, there is an implied "or else...." in all those "should" and "Ought" words. 
Something that says  "or else...." 
and the deep wordless, soundless, pure and free Core BEing of a person does not listen to FORCE. 
That does not mean it never complies or submits. 
I had  this insight AFTER I read the section of the story below: 

In the first part of the story, there is the external voice says "do this thing, it is wise.... " or "you should do that..." 
She does not. 
In the second part of the story there is a new angle... 

Story extract: 
She walked through her own  life as a stranger, watching herself in a waking dream.
‘....let go the empty shell of the past...thou art living a dead  memory...’, a sound thought like burning paper in her mind, ‘....go !’ .
She shook her head, ‘I cannot...’.

Troubled, that evening she went to the pool in the garden.  This pool, this part of the garden, was HER private place, he had never followed her here.
Large trees surrounded it, and thirteen stone columns supported the great dome above the heaving waters.

It was quiet, the wind was mellow, carrying the scent of spices from faraway places. Silvery gray vapour in slowly swirling circles hovered over the waters, never quite touching it. ‘…………beautiful.........’, she thought and shivered.

Gaps in the vapour blanket revealed the water beneath, rising and falling like the chest of someone in deep slumber. The water was pure and clear as delicate glass shimmering like a gemstone.

The pool knew her, it remembered her. She walked quietly around the perimeter, staying, in the shadows, avoiding looking directly into it. It came to her then, 'I don’t want to know... not yet...not truly...  '

From a long way, she saw Sari approach. She slowed down and stopped some distance away.
“What are you doing here ?” she asked Sari.  No one had ever followed her here, this was her private domain.  
The look on Sari’s face was strange, her eyes were looking straight through her.
She had never seen Sari look this way.
“Sari ! What is it ?”.
Sari backed away from her, “nothing”, she whispered.
Quohaim turned around. There was nothing behind her.
It was her that Sari looked at so strangely.
“Sari, - what’s wrong ? Stop this !”
 “I’ve not seen you like this before”, Sari said her voice thin and airy.

'Like what ?' Quohaim felt annoyed.
She looked about, but everything was as she knew it.
Her wide eyes focussed on her, Sari walked away backwards.
“Sari, stop this !”
Sari shook her head, turned and ran back to the house.
Quohaim followed a few steps, then stopped.
Sari had acted as though she was terrified of her, Quohaim.
Something was wrong.

She walked back and sat by the side of the pool.  Its surface was coved in white mist.
From here she could barely see the house, hidden by huge old trees.
The white mists cleared and her reflection shimmered below her.
It was her face though faint and hard to see.
She sighed and shook her head.
She was not ready to look deeply into the waters.

Something else intruded on her awareness.
Watching her faint shimmering reflection in the water she felt a presence surround her, like a half remembered dream it hovered around her.
She reached about herself, nothing.
Then she noticed what she had feared: Deep in the water, far below the surface hovered the faint image of another face, watching her intently, its eyes speaking to her.
She shook her head, 'no'.
The eyes of the other continued to look at her. She felt pain in her heart.
She knew what the message was, but she did not want know.
'I'm not ready, not yet.'
And still those  eyes looked into her soul.
"No!" She disturbed the smooth the smooth surface of the water with a sharp slap of her palm.
Instantly the mists gathered and obscured everything.

She was shocked at herself.
Never ever had she refused the wisdom of the pool.
She had always trusted it's wisdom and it had always guided her well.
Very well.
She had had a charmed life.
Then he had been taken away.
That was too much.

She paced around the pool. Her mind a whirl of thoughts.
She remembered, the wisdom of the pool had never led her astray.
But this time she could not heed its wisdom.
'I am alone.'
Fury welled up inside her.
She stopped walking and looked down at the white mists.
"I would have given my life for his,"  she said, "but you would not have it. You took the one thing I could not give you. That you had to take. Why ?"
The leaves of the old trees  rustled, the wind carried the scent of far away places.
She shook her head.
"WHY ?" she hissed in red hot fury, "WHY? WHY ? WHY ?"
She bent down to pick up a rock and stopped when she heard her name called from far away.

 “Haim....”, -  the call drifted in the air.
Taking a deep breath, Quohaim turned and looked in the direction of the house.
The air was cold and damp, dew covered her clothes.
Sari stood in the clearing between two huge trees.
“What ?”, the word come out as a hoarse croak.
Cautiously, slowly Sari approached her.
“You’ve been here for hours.”

Quohaim nodded, “I know.”
Her body ached all over. She leaned against a pillar, letting her head rest against the cool stone.
She dropped the stone.
Sari came closer and bent over the edge of the pool to see inside.
Thick white mists covered the entire surface.
She reached down to feel them.
Sari jerked her hand back.
“It’s icy cold !”.
She kneaded her injured fingers with her other hand.
“Yes. – The mists are very cold” .
Sari tilted her head sideways and scrutinized her friend.
“Why ?...”, Quohaim murmured, her head still touching the stone.
Then  she drew a deep breath and pushed herself off the pillar.
Sari touched her shoulder and looked at her.  Then she wrapt an arm around Quohaim’s waist and pulled her towards the house.

Quohaim shook her head.
"Listen to me," she whispered, " I want to ask you something."
Sari narrowed her eyes and nodded.
"Let's say I go to your house and you offer me everything. You show me jewels, gold, houses, land, horses, you even offer me your life,  except one thing. "
Sari nodded, she knew what was coming.
"One thing, you keep for yourself, that is the only thing you do not offer me." She gripped both of Sari's shoulders. "And that one thing is what I ask for.  I take it from you by force."
Sari nodded slowly.
"What do you think of me ?  Am I still a good friend ?"
"Come." Sari tugged her friend gently.
"Answer me !" Quohaim refused to me, her eyes wild she looked at Sari.
Sari shook her head and tugged at her to come with her.
"Answer me damn you !", Quohaim sobbed, then covered her face with her hands.
Sari  waited and led her gently back to the house.

She lived life because she had to. It was painful but bearable, until the first courtship offer arrived. Then she felt as though the ground beneath her had given way.

“Impossible”, she told Sari, “he doesn’t know me at all. What the hell is he thinking, coming to me with an offer like that !”
Sari smiled, “of course not Haim, not yet. It will take a while.”
“You too ?”, she shook her head, "never !”
Sari held her gaze, “wait and see ........”.
‘You don’t really know me at all’, Quohaim thought, ‘he is with me still’.

She declined the gentleman’s offer.
“How can he think of me that way ?” she asked herself, "how do  I look to them ?"

From that day on she felt a greater distance between herself and the world.
She observed a woman called Quohaim living life on her behalf, doing what was expected, laughing, smiling, working on council business, but none of it touched the real Quohaim inside. That one was watching and waiting for something.
That one felt restless.   

She stopped in front of her bedroom mirror and thought about her life to this point.
Wavy hair framed her face, cascading down her back. The eyes looking back at her were not afraid of power and authority, they looked at her without wavering, without fear.
“What's wrong ?”, asked the face looking back at her.
“Nothing ! I am a leader in this city, respected, envied and ...”, she smiled at herself, “still beautiful.”
"Do you really care about that ?" she asked her image.
Her face stared back at her, and she felt afraid of the truth in its eyes.
‘No’, she shook her head and hid her face in her hands.    
She looked up again determined to face those eyes in the mirror.
"Other's think I am beautiful. What do YOU think ?" she asked her face.
"Is that who you are, beautiful ?"
She looked deeper into those eyes.
She felt a presence behind those eyes, someone she had known all her life.
A living force lit up those eyes - 'my eyes' she thought.
She felt a magnetic force, invisible but strong, her life force.
She saw herself making ready to run, to leave the room again.
"Who are you ?" she asked the image.
There was an answer, but no words, she felt it.
She was accepted, welcome !
She had steeled herself against judgement but kindness and gentleness she had no defence against. It surprised her.
It dissolved all resistance, all fear in her.
Fascinated by her own eyes, she looked deeper.
The eyes in the mirror looked back.
She felt drawn into a vortex of space.
Deep unlimited space opened up inside her.
It was a force, gentle, invincible.
She trusted it and understood that nothing she had ever done had been wrong.
There was a living deep presence looking back at her.
Her own eyes, seemed those of another.
Brilliant consciousness watching her.
Her mind stopped thinking and she felt herself drawn even deeper into expanding space.
A place where she knew who she was what he had been born to do.
'Let me remember,' she pleaded.

She had no idea how long  she spent in front of her bedroom mirror. It was dark and lights were lit inside the house. But no one had disturbed her.
And she remembered with total clarity.
She knew what she had to do.
She wanted to do it.
No one must know.
extract from "Candle" by Heiko Rudolph