Saturday, March 05, 2011

I am better than you, I am more important than you

2001 LAOS

"I am better than you!" 
 "I am more important than you"
what does that mean ? 
For years I tried to understand "better" and  I could not come up with a clear rational  answer. 
I came to the conclusion that it is purely an emotional reaction that makes no logical sense at all. 
It is a FEELING when someone says "I'm better than you"

Of course now that we all know consciously that we are not supposed to say "I am better than you", we don't say it, but we still feel it, mean it and think it, or  imply it. We censor ourselves.  
But all we have done is to hoodwink ourselves and pretend to ourselves we didn't say "I'm better than you." But of course just because we did not utter the words does not mean we didn't mean them, or imply them or believe and think them. 

Interesting as I write this now I am beginning to understand something: So that is what humility is: it is meaning/implying/thinking I'm the same as you, we are ONE, we are connected, we are both of the one source... however you want to put it. 
Just like "better than" these words are hard to grip with the mind. 

Hm.... thinking this through as I write it now: So that would make sense also with people we feel are "arrogant" or arrogant bastards. A person does not have to say or consciously think "I'm better than you scum" they can simply feel that way about the world, imply it,  have that attitude. 
Hm... interesting, it makes sense. 
If I have the deep attitude of "I'm better than all of your pathetic little scum", BUT I don't actually vocalize or admit it to myself, or to others, then I can hide that fact from myself, I can pretend that I DON'T think that, "I never said that, what do you mean I'm arrogant ? I never said I was better than you. It's YOU who have the problem ............blah blah  blah.. ". 
I still haven't really figured out what it means by "better" when I think "I'm better than you." (when I think, feel or mean it or imply or intent it)

So what does it mean when  I  say/think/mean/imply/feel  "I am better than you ?" 
Or "I am more IMPORTANT than you ?" 
"What does "IMPORTANT' really mean ? 
I know what it means intuitively - I just kind of KNOW in a way that is hard to explain what it means, but can I put it into words ? 
Not really. 
But, let me try....

"Better" & "Important" mean............"higher" - ok so what does that mean ? 
All those words: better, important, higher ......... what do they mean when I use them to in the sense of "I'm better than you ?" 

It is  hard to explain. 
I know when I meet someone who thinks they are better than me, 
When someone looks DOWN on me. 
I know the feeling I get then. It's a feeling, what is is int words ?

But what does it mean in words ? 
Arrrgggahhhh that is a hard one. 
In such situations little examples are best: 
If I think "I'm better than you (scum)" it means: I don't have to obey the rules you do, I have higher knowledge, I AM in my very BEING more refined, higher grade gold than you. 
I can do stuff you can't, I'm allowed to do stuff you ordinary mortals are not allowed to even dream of ha ha ha !!! 

example: VIP lounges, VIP treatments, at airports always irritated me for that reason. It's a way of formally saying, some people are more important than others, they don't have to wait so long, they don't get hassled as much, we trust them more, they get through security (i.e.INsecurity) faster and so on. 
The rules that hem in each of us normal people don't apply to "THEM who are a better" 
That really irritates me. 
Do I still want to be a VIP - If I'm honest yes. 
I hate being at the bottom of  the s*** heap, but I love being on top. 
That's not really fair is it ? If I dislike others being higher than me then I should not accept and strive to be higher. 
Or is my dislike just jealousy ? Just sour grapes ? 
I suspect so :-P
Of course the things that most irriatate us about  others are the things we carry within ourselves - ha ha ha ! So if arrogance really irritates me what does that mean about me.... errhum..... ! 
What ? ! Me ? arrogant ? 
Naww.... not me. 
I just don't like arrogant bastards who throw their weight about thinking they are better than everyone else and don't have to follow the same rules.... that kinda thing really gets me fired up. 
I'm standing up for justice here man ! 
I'm not arrogant, I'm standing up for the common man, the humble man. (I might do it with fists and a gun but hey I'm still fighting for justice !!! (i.e. f****ing for chastity) )

The mirror of life

There is another angle to this I never saw before: 
I don't have to physically say "I'm better than all of you (pathetic little scum)" but I can sort of mean it/ feel it/ intend it and still keep it from my conscious mind (because after all I didn't  actually SAY it ! did you HEAR me say it ? 

Of course you didn't ! I'm too smart to say it out loud, I'm too self deluded to admit it to myself... I'm in illusion ( that is what they mean by "illusion", this kind of keeping  the truth from myself...) ahhh.....soooohh.... Master, I get it .... )

But there is something else that happens now: life reflects back to me the deep inner realities that are inside me, the ones I hide from myself, that I don't admit to consciously. 
Life manifests what is IN me and writes it out in large letters in the situations, circumstances of my life. 
Of course the link is not that obvious. 
If I want I can say: "Sugar, why does this happen to me ? I'm a nice guy, I don't understand why people think I'm an arrogant prick."
I can feel unfairly treated. 
And on one level I am right. I am not consciously being arrogant. 
But on another level I am arrogant, I really am, and it comes out in the things I do and how I do them and people around me react to it and I get the responses. 
Now I can reject that feedback (because that is what it is, feedback) and feel unfairly treated and victimized, 
I can sit and think and say, "Hm.... so people around me think I'm arrogant. 
What is life reflecting back to me really ? 
Where INside  me, in my deep beliefs is that ? I'm not saying I'm better than others, but I somehow DO think I AM better than the majority of pathetic, stupid, ignorant humity..... "
And  if I'm honest enough with myself I'll find the place in myself where that arrogance lives, where I believe I have more rights just because I am I and they are they and they are not me. I will find that place where I feel I deserve more than them because I am I. 

Until I can truly treat myself as I treat others, with no  more favour and no less, I still harbour a form of distortion. 

When I  treat another person as I would myself, with no more or less privilege then I am truly humble and fair.... 

Does that mean I would not ask someone to do a job I would not do myself ? 
Yes. I think so. 
What about the street cleaner? 
A topic for another time.....

No comments:

Post a Comment