Monday, November 16, 2009

dream of motorcycle tour

Driving to the western burbs as Hoppers Xing today I was keeping up with 2 tattoed chopper bikies on the princes Highway. Grunty heavy machines. I have a licence for them but never touched one.
The idiosyncracy of it all hit me... what if at age 60  Dr Rudolph living in  Asia, were to don a scarf round the head and grab a bike, ask his Lady to go cruising for a year.... the Lady discovers her gypsy feet and so they work their way round the globe a few times... global vagabonds... just a day dream, but fun ...  hey  pure fantasy

a lovely fantasy nonetheless. we all dream of being a rockstar one way
or anotherr, don't we?

don't tempt me.... I might just do it...
in fact I think it will happen in a totally unexpected way

you never know what surprises life has in store for you

that's what I likfe about life... the surprises...
at my age, I can afford to relax... I've had a good innings, and whatever else comes up will be part of the adventure

'i've had a good innings' is a matter of perspective. You've got a
good healthy view on life.

I've flung myself against the limits often enough to get bruised and so I tell myself:

there is always ALWAYS MORE you can do  or  could've done.
there is always LESS you could have done...

yeah, it's a funny little thing that one. i could've done better,
could've done worse. here i am now.

does  the AMOUNT stuff I achieve make  the difference ?
Well yes and no. But pure quantity does not in itself make the difference....
Then what does ?

excellent question.

I don't know.

an excellent answer. my opinion is, everything does, and nothing
does. personal purpose is arbitrary in the greater scheme of things,
but it makes you feel better, so go ahead and have it.

but for now I'm content to be floating along like a good little vegemite and be sustained by whatever sustains life, the Universe and everything and what is more:
I don't care about HOW it works.
It does,
i'm here.

one day I won't be here,
and that will be a trip to a totally different world,
a world that I suspect i will recognize and go
"ah... NOW i'm awake again !
Wow that was some dream !"

In my better moments I actually get excited about the thought of leaving this existence (at age 90+ still walking & travelling  :-) I hope)
like a kid going on an awesome trip...

uhuh :) enjoy it all!

but for now: ... Life is a dream and it's dreaming us"

'dance me to the children who are asking to be born....'  - Leonard Cohen

The trees that whisper in the evening,
Sing a song of sorrow and grieving,
Carried away by a moonlight shadow,

I stay, I pray  - See you in heaven far away.    Mike Oldfield
Haiko's - blogs -(o)- monk  -(o)- travel -(o)- phantasies.

Monday, November 09, 2009

controlled folly, act as if, but know it is not, - both at the same time

"In barehanded practice you should move as if you had a sword; when holding a sword you should not depend on it but move as if you had none." Studying this mental kamae, or stance, keeps us focused on the reality of a martial situation and at the same time allows us to remain flexible and relaxed
Aikido William Gleason
Carlos Castaneda teaches: controlled folly:
 Within the art of stalking there is a technique which sorcerers use a great deal: controlled folly. Sorcerers claim that controlled folly is the only way they have of dealing with themselves--in their state of expanded awareness and perception--and with everybody and everything in the world of daily affairs.
      Controlled folly is the art of controlled deception or the art of pretending to be thoroughly immersed in the action at hand--pretending so well no one could tell it from the real thing. Controlled folly is not an outright deception but a sophisticated, artistic way of being separated from everything while remaining an integral part of everything.
      Controlled folly is an art. A very bothersome art, and a difficult one to learn. Many sorcerers don't have the stomach for it, not because there is anything inherently wrong with the art, but because it takes a lot of energy to exercise it.
      By the time we come to sorcery, our personality is already formed and all we can do is practice controlled folly and laugh at ourselves.
      * * *

Do You Yahoo!?
Sie sind Spam leid? Yahoo! Mail verfügt über einen herausragenden Schutz gegen Massenmails.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Warriors, wars, Power......subtle attacks...and the way of peace

Above: Plain of Jars, Laos, 2006. The most bombed country on earth, in a war that officially never took place.

Instead of writing what I think about warriors and war and power I'll just tell the story, the way my thoughts ran ...and took me to where I am now.

At Aikido last week my teacher said something about "...subtle attacks can be a lot harder to resist, and more dangerous...". She went to say that if someone touches you forcefully in an obvious attack then your whole body becomes aware of this instantly and locks up into fighting mode. If they gently  touch your hand without wrapping their fingers around it to hold and force, then you will likely not interpret this as a threat. It is subtle.

That week I read an article about "The way of war - Godnx essence - (the level of war and warrior hood) 
One particular passage struck me:
"[ Warriors ]draw from the energies that which must be used to protect the weak, for the protection of the weak is the task of the intuitive warrior. To draw from the energies for any other reason is to give strength unnecessarily, thus creating an overboundedness of energy where it is not meet" - from: The Way of the Ancients, 1998 - Chiron.

~ Be strong and generous of deed.

Discussing this with a friend, she wrote back something that threw a different light on what I had thought of as warriors

...some of the best 'warriors' in the world have never fought another Being - but get on with the task of 'standing firm' - which is virtually what a Warrior is. The one who stands firm against the elements, the dangers to protect others, but not to over whelm them. Merely to stand firm. -Jan.Thomas

 This was a different way of warriorhood than what I used to think of as warriors: the image of fighting, and rough, tough, fierce. The image of strength subjugating the weak, the Darwinian survival of the fittest idea. Dog eat dog stuff. 
That always felt wrong and brutal.
But this new definition of warriorhood I could accept. 
I like it. 
I remembered then times in my life when a true warrior had taken me under his or her wing: I knew they were strong and could easily have hurt me, or taken advantage of me, but instead, I felt protected. 
I could get on with my life within that circle of protection - it felt really good.

Hm... that is the kind of warriorhood I can accept and can aspire to.

Above: Luang Prabang, former Royal Capital of Laos.

Above: Bombs from the Plain of Jars. Every year ~100 people die from left over unexploded bombs (UXO)
 Swordmanship’s first achievement
Is he unity of man and sword.
Once this unity is attained,
Even a blade of grass can be a weapon.
The second achievement is when
The sword exists in one’s heart
When absent from one’s hand,
One can strike an enemy at a 100 paces, even with bare hands.
Swordmanship’s ultimate achievement
Is the absence of the sword in both hand and heart.
The swordsman is at peace with the rest of the world
He vows not to kill,
and to bring peace to mankind

The king of Qin, in “Hero” by Zhang Yimou

Below: Stones Jars in the Plain of Jars, one of the most heavily bombed places in the world, in a war that officially never happened.

It seems to me that in the path of a warrior one needs to experience the negative sides of power, the war, the dog eat dog, the strong taking advantage of the weak, the survival of the fittest and all that brutal stuff. Then when the warrior is sick of that comes the time to learn to use strength to protect the weak: 
for the protection of the weak is the task of the intuitive warrior. To draw from the energies for any other reason is to give strength unnecessarily, thus creating an overboundedness of energy where it is not meet

 There is a philosophy that says: 
"The cure for the bite of the dragon is in the dragon's breath"

 or in other words: The disease carries the cure, or everything carries within it the seeds of its own birth and its own destruction or everything has its own internal balance inside it.

This fits with the idea of the next stage of warriorhood: the turning of the art of power once used to destroy and subjugate the weak, is then used to "fight fighting" i.e. to balance, to protect the weak (not by more fighting but by meeting equal strength in the middle).

Note: it does not say to weaken the strong ! That way leads to again to war.

The warrior uses the way of war, to contain war. It becomes a way of "fighting the fighting", but not with more fighting, which only makes it worse, but with a different kind of fighting i.e.

 with the task of 'standing firm' - which is virtually what a Warrior is. The one who stands firm against the elements, the dangers to protect others, but not to over whelm them. Merely to stand firm.

The key to this is not to overwhelm or to be overwhelmed, but to meet in the middle. Energy to meet the exact amount of energy coming from the other side. To meet in balance, exchange and then move appart again. 
Again: I used to avoid ALL kinds of confrontations, because I did not want to overwhelm the other person (or be overwhelmed). I knew I could 'flatten' others if I so chose to, but I was afraid of my own power. 
Once I learned about the principle of meeting in the middle, holding the energies in the middle till they dropped of their own accord, I was able to then face my own power and use it. 

In Chi-gong we have  an exercise where two people face each other. They raise their energy, raise the dragons and meet each other's energy equally, balancing so as to meet exactly what is being pushed by the other person. This is a good way to learn about this balance.

Aikido teaches that there is a way of:
"..... becoming one with your partner. This was described as hoyo doka, an all-embracing acceptance of even the negative feelings of others and the re-integration of that magnanimous attitude back to those who would attack us. Practically speaking this acceptance and re-absorption is the ability to receive your partners energy and unify with it in such a way that his power is reduced to zero. In aikido this is a good explanation of what we call the power of kokyu. To master the spiritual and psychological aspects of this ability was called aiki.  - from

Shobu Aikido Aiki News newsletter (May 2001, Vol 2, No. 2) by William Gleason.

There is an energy known by many names "Wind of the Plains", "Spirit of night sky", "Father of the plains", "Coombi". This is the male part of Gaia, the protector of all living things. Coombi transmutes frustrations with man's rules into a force of NOW, for positive purpose. Coombi helps to sort out and deal with the crucial weakness that could bring you down. 
Great warriors wounded without spears - they wounded with the mind. 

Coombi aids to deal with wounds of thought, wounds of mind directed by thought, because often words and thoughts can go deeper and do subtle damage that bring down the person over time. 
(from: "The Essences of the Ancient Civilizations" by Jan Thomas (Trenorden), 2003 )

These ideas about warriors can be applied to one's internal state as well. 
What we see in the physical world is a reflection of the internal and vice versa, ie. "As within, so without. "
When I look inside myself I see an internal war - I often  judge and despise the weak parts of myself and bash them down, despise them with the powerful parts of myself. I am behaving like a first level warrior, towards my own self. 
Thus all the principles of warriorhood that are mentioned above apply to how I treat myself as well. Can I embrace and accept without judging the 'negative' parts of myself and bring a greater unity about ? 

One cannot master the outside without the inside and one cannot master the inside without the outside. 


Carlos Castaneda, in his books and teachings takes the art of warriorhood many levels deeper, both on the physical world and the internal world. 
I'm tempted to summarize and describe his teachings, but better you go and look at the original books and writings.
"There are two ways of facing our being alive. One is to surrender to it, either by acquiescing to its demands or by fighting those demands. The other is by molding our particular life situation to fit our own configurations. One's particular life situation can be molded to fit one's specifications. Dreamers do that."
Don Juan Matus to Carlos Castaneda, The Art of Dreaming

The way Castaneda describes warriors is unique and very beautiful: it is a way of facing the reality of being alive, of existence per se. 
Perhaps another blog in the future...?

Carlos Castaneda and warriors:
Some quotes on one of my blogs are on the link below:

William Gleason

Thursday, October 08, 2009

so many ways of "seeing" Tea leaves, Tarot Cards & doorways

Tea leaves, chicken entrails, dice, patterns in the sand, crystal balls, Tarot cards, patterns in the hand or eyes or face, whatever... have all been used to look deeper below the surface of life.
Some have used these means to try and divine the future with more or less success, others simply sought to see deeper below the surface.
Question: “Given these many different methods can there be anything true in them ? Would it not be more reasonable to expect there to be ONE method ?”
Yes, it seems confusing that there are so many different ways people have used to ‘see' deeper below the surface of life.
However all these methods basically serve one purpose, which is to enable the seer to access other levels within themselves. The physical methods are simply the vehicle that a particular seer finds useful in accessing that doorway within themselves. For some the crystal ball works, for others the Tarot cards and so forth. Yet each of them ultimately enters the depths of intuitive knowledge within themselves, which is linked to the pool of intuitive being of humanity.
The method is different and varied, but the destination is the same.
Yet the results are different. Two different seers will usually say different things.
Three people going to the same party, will describe it in three different ways. You might recognize it as the same party but each account will be coloured by the person giving it.
The same applies in the area of ‘seeing'.
This is because different people have different personalities and different abilities. The information a seer can bring through to this level of reality depends on her:
  • intent
  • ability
  • experience
  • particular strengths and weaknesses
  • connection with you, the one asking
and many other factors we don't even know about yet.
In addition the seer needs to use their skill in transferring and interpreting information. This is a little similar to how we all ‘know what we want to say but need to search for the right words'. In a similar way the seer searches for what ‘feels right' and intuits the information to then put it into words. And like all human activity nothing is perfect, though it can be very good at times J .
How do I know if a seer is trustworthy ?
The important thing to look for in a seer is YOUR own gut level instinct. Do you trust the basic intention of the seer ? Is the seer generally interested in the “greater good”, or is he more interested in glory, fame and being ‘right' or impressing you ? Does the seer use her talents primarily for the good of all or for personal gain ? And lastly, do you trust and feel ‘ok' about the seer ? If you do not then there is little point in listening to what they have to say.
Hint: anyone telling you how often they ‘got it right' is probably trying to impress you and win your sympathy.

Please remember: As in anything in life, there is the real and the fake.
In the end it is YOUR gut feeling that matters more than anything else. You are responsible for your actions and decisions, no matter what anyone else tells you, in the end YOU are the one who has to deal with the consequences of what YOU do or do not do.
No need to be afraid, use your commonsense and gut feeling.
© 2003, 2005, 2007 Windrider Energy Healing

Monday, October 05, 2009

The butterfly effect.... (from Chaos theory) every damn little thing is important

Just read a story about how a word of kindness at the right time made a child change his mind about leaving life.
It got me thinking  how in life every moment, every tiny thing, is really just as important as any other, - without that tiny thing, the other things would not happen, the big things would not happen.

How a small child is treated by a teacher one day at school and that treatment in the mix of all things can determine the path of nations.

It does not mean I don't aim for different "small things"
Choice and aim and purpose still exist, and yet every tiny little thing, however insiginficant seeming makes a difference and is part of the story of life. And yet: we are not responsible for all things... all I can do is the best according to the light within me.

There is not really any big or small or important or unimportant... those are all human things...things that humans add.

The butterfly effect.... (from Chaos theory)

But lest we are overwhelmed: all things work out perfectly in the end. There is that mysterious trust....

Friday, October 02, 2009

Warrior - Castaneda Quotes and links

My favourite Castaneda quotes and links

When one has nothing to lose, one becomes courageous. We are timid only when there is something we can still cling to.
      A warrior doesn't seek anything for his solace, nor can he possibly leave anything to chance. A warrior actually affects the outcome of events by the force of his awareness and his unbending intent .

 Nice site with audio readings and quotes.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Power - its limits - it's seductive illusions

Power: the strength to get what I want.
To do what I WANT
I see and I judge: "yes, I can do this. I can FORCE this "
Yet always and ever, there is something and someone stronger.
for every power which ever existed and will exist
there is a greater,
there is a stronger power.
I may be clever and strong in mind and have power in the University where I work, yet that is nothing, if I am taken to the rice fields or to dig ditches. There the power I have at the University is - nothing.

So power is a gift.
it is not a part of ME,
it is not ME.
it is a gift.
It is given me where I am now.
It can be taken away.
Life is short.
The body is fragile

And like alcohol, can make me drunk
it makes me believe I am invincible.
I'm not.
A small microbe,
a bullet,
an accident
my body
all have their own power

use it wisely use it well.

Power: man's best friend, and worst enemy

inspired by the scene Kushiel's Justice where Imriel challengesBerlik, the 
Maghuinn Dhomm. Imriel's skills may be powerful in his own world, but against the power of Berlik he is like a child. Berlik warns him..."you don't want to do that" and Imriel is given a small glimpse of the true nature of the power he has thought of challenging. 1Oct09

Friday, September 25, 2009

The Gyro Principle: The indirect way, the non obvious way, Gyroscopes as illustrations of metaphysical principles.

 The key of a Gyroscope (or Gyro) is the translations it does in 3 dimensional space:  from a rotation in the y axis to a rotation in the z axis – as long as there is a spinning mass in the x axis. …. (all axes are at right angles to each other) 

This gives rise to some Metaphysics:
There must be (somewhere, somehow) a device that allows for translations between the dimensions and which ties together various  dimensions just as the Gyro in its own way ties together 3 dimensions – in fact a Gyro even establishes them, because it’s actions and principle can ONLY exist in 3Dimensions.

The process of growth – seed to mature tree/plant/human/animal uses such a process (i.e. one that goes between dimensions.)
This ties in with Chakras – where the rotating wheels bridge the gap between the dimensions and give rise to the seed and start its growth.
As the living body/organism grows the Chakras become more specialized, smaller, and more numerous.
In a similar way in which a flower diminishes and gives way to the fruit but still leaves evidence of its past flowering so chakras and persist and sustain the living organism.

So seeds (plant, animal, human, crystal etc…) are the sparks that give the first point of contact for the energy vortices from one dimension to grab hold of the physical dimension we live in.
Seeds provide the first landing pad, the hole in the hourglass through which the etheric energies enter the physical and cause the physical to grow into the likeness of the parent. The vortex of spinning energy provides the conduit, and translates the energy from the dimension pre-physical form into physical form  - and this is akin to the way a physical Gyro translates roation in the y axis into rotation of the Z axis.
I’m talking here about mechanism in which the energy is transformed, and translated between dimension, or planes (or axes).
The energy  itself, life energy whatever you want to call it is the actual power behind it all.

Speculation: Life repeats its patterns in other levels and dimensions:
could these ideas be extended  to the growth of social constructions  such as organizations ?

The key idea: energy moves in circles, even between dimensions, and provides a doorway for these motions for growth…etc…

The next level of metaphysics is this: 
Whenever i want something from life I tend to go the direct way.
But the direct way does not often work or not for long.
I want security so I do the obvious: I get arms and protection, and I feel more insecure and it never stops.
I want to get rich so I work like buggery and I feel hassled, time poor and never enough.
A person to desperate to have friends turns everyone off.
Trying too hard to go to sleep keeps you awake etc....

Thus: The direct approach rarely works (for me).
How about the indirect approach ?
I think the sayings of the wise, capture some of the idea of the indirect approach.

As you give to others you give to self.
Lose your life to gain it (Jesus, Luke33:17 ???)
The first will be last, the last will be first.
And there are many many more in all the different wisdom traditions that all essentially have the same idea: the direct obvious way is not the actual way, it is the right angle, indirect way that works

And this is what on a physical  level the Gyro does, it translates one motion into another at 90 degrees, at right angles, not in straight line, not in the obvious way.

So it seems to me some kind of similar principle works on the higher levels as well.
I'm not saying this as a simplistic principles. Life is complex.
There are times when I have to go for things and seize the day (Carpe diem) but there are also many times when I found the direct way does not work, and this helps me understand it a bit more.
         I still wonder how the Gyro principle works out in real life, how does it all fit in ? I don't know yet.

NOTE: keep in mind that straight motion is actually very rare in nature: the planets move in circles, the Galaxies do, the atomic particles do, the atoms in a molecule moves in circular paths...
everything moves as a wheels within wheels... in some kind of circular orbit.

On the metaphysical levels the seasons have cycles, life has cycles, growth and decay moves in cylcles and so and so on....

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Grateful ? Content ? Ambition ?

They say that you don't know what you've got till you lost it.

Usually I WANT things, because then I will be HAPPY and content.
"If I only had this much money, or could travel to Egypt, Europe, wherever like XXX can"
"If only I had promotion level YYY".
"Once I get....... "

Let meplay a game with myself, in my mind.
Imagine I've been injured, and crippled, I have lost an arm, or a leg, or an eye, - or perhaps I was born that way.
I would wish to just be 'normal' that would be my constant life long wish.
I would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO incredibly happy if I had a normal body.

Well Haiko, guess what ? you DO have a normal body.
Are you grateful ?
Are you content ?

Or Imagine I was shit poor, working like a dog in the heat all day just to live and eat.
It would be soooooooooooooo nice to have enough money and be able to sit in an office and work in cool comfort.
I'd be happy and content then.

Well Haiko, guess what ? you DO have a job that pays you to research whatever you are interested in and you get to sit in an office and have money to spend.
Are you grateful ?
Are you content ?

Or imagine that you were really old and had to do everything slowly and carefully. You will remember having a young working body.
You will wish you still had it.

Well Haiko, guess what ? you DO have a young (well sort of) body, you are still able to do whatever you like and walk around and get stuff done.... .
Are you grateful ?
Are you content ?

Getting old happens naturally. It does not  take any trauma or accident - we all get old (unless we die early).


Sunday, September 20, 2009

ordering myself around.... who is the real ME ?

I wondered at myself: what do *I* really want ? I am constantly trying to fit myself into a box,
a box to achieve this,
a box to achieve that,
a box to go to be to this, do that...
what do *i* really want ?

There is an executive authority inside myself, (as there is in society and all of organizations – the smaller reflects the greater and vice versa) that gives me orders and tries to make me walk a path but what does the real Haiko want ?

Today I'm off to do this n that  with her and himetc... , I need to do Mandala, I need to do Chi gong exercises, I need to run through this long list of stuff to do and I keep on adding to the list.
What do *i* really want ?

It is not an either OR, thing, it is a both AND thing.
It is possible to do the list AND to know who I am ...

Sometimes I get a look at myself, as though I was watching myself from the outside, in much the same way as I see other people. Then it comes to me:

“hey you are making this guy stay inside the house and type on a computer all day and rush around for deadlines. How long do you think someone is going to put up with that ?”

and ‘this guy’ of course is me.

Getting this perspective is good, it makes me see myself.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

been here before - de ja vue ? come I love the messy shops, the lively raucaus restaurants, the worn outness of buildings, narrow winding streets so much ? - I've just arrived in Macau, 29Aug09 at 22:30 
If I was ever  going to talk about having lived in a place in another lifetime, and I had to pick a place, this would be one of them for sure.
I feel at home here straight after arriving at  10:30pm via Kuala Lumpur and an 11 hour stopover. 
I surprise myself with the confidence with which I lounge in the corner of  a restaurant, order stuff, get served by guys without shirts wearing old shorts, because its clean-up and close-up time but the white gringo wanted some of the last bits of food in the trays before they got cleaned  away.

There is another city that affected me like this as well: I mean the impression of having lived there before, a kind of deja vue. The place is Tangier, it also has lots  of narrow winding  streets, hot climate, but is very different.
      Thinnking about this a bit, I've found that it is not the logic of philosophical arguments that convince people of a philosopy, but how well those philosophies describe the feelings within them.
      In my case: I would never ever in a million years have given any consideration to the idea of other lifetimes, - but because  of various  experiences such as these (visiting places I feel I'm sure I've been to before)  make me consider it.
      Why consider it ? simply  because it is the currently best explanation I can come up with for myself, it covers my PERSONAL experiences in the best way and it explains it in a way I like. I notice the addition of the word  'like'. Because there are hundreds of other logical alternative explanations to any experience. 
          Thus it seems to me that it is not logic that decides the type of explanation we choose but our 'liking' - even if it is carefully hidden from ourselves,---- by logic.
         I could explain it all in social theories, evolution, chemistry, and other ways that to ME make it all so tawdry and boring and dull and make me feel like an impersonal blob.
     I *prefer* the idea that I'm in a schoolroom, in the University of life.
     In this I am following my 'hero'and mentor in metaphysics
George MacDonald (1824-1905) who said something akin to: änything is believabble which is morally believable and enobling"  :-) .

More on travel in Macau here.


'dance me to the children who are asking to be born....'  - Leonard Cohen

Haiko's - blog list here or direct: life42  or backpacking or  stories. --> Risks of being alive & Media :-)

I walk with her, and I hear the gentle beating of mighty wings....
I hear the sound of her wings.... and the darkness lifts from my soul...

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Aikido - a simple code VS 1000's of rules....

Another example: 
I just bought a book chapter on "Macau" from the Lonely Planet Guide Book: I like the paragraph below, because it is so commonsense: pages and pages of legal stuff put into a few lines:
  •  (c) Lonely Planet Publications. To make it easier for you to use, access to this chapter is not digitally restricted. In return, we think it's fair to ask you to use it for personal, no commercial purposes only. In other words, please don't upload this chapter to a peer to peer site, mass email it to everyone you know, or resell it. See the terms and conditions on our site for a longer way of saying the above. - "do the right thing with our content."
- From the Lonely Planet digital chapter on Macau (you can buy just a book chapter, and don't have to pay for the whole book in paper format)
- I appreciate simplicity like that. Digital rights and encryption never deters the determined people, and annoys and frustrates the average user.

Thursday, August 06, 2009

you create your reality... really ?

"Your create your own reality"

I hear this a lot these days and it did not really make sense until I thought about it a bit deeper.

On the surface it sounds silly: Ok let me think about being wildly successful and rich, - kapow... I wave my 'you create your own reality' wand and there I am, a famous author, speaking around the world, writing books, giving workshops etc.... .

Well not quite. Because deep down I don't believe that kind of scenario. It simply does not feel right, does not 'gell' for me. Similarly all those 'think rich and you'll be rich' things, they might be right for others, but they don't resonate with me, deep deep down I feel I'm just faking it.

But then when I took it a few levels deeper it seemed to make more sense.
When I look back on my life I find that I somehow seem to end up in the same - or similar - situations. I don't mean to do it deliberately, but it kind of just turns out that way.

In my case I tend to be the 'outsider' the 'maverick' the 'clever-and-knowledgeable-dude-who-is-treated-unjustly'.

After a bit more introspection and soul searching I realized, that on some deep level I felt more at home in that role. I felt this was my place, the place I belonged, where I would naturally gravitate towards.
In other words: my Core Being was calling out and magnetically aligning the iron filings of my life to cast me into the role i was most comfortable in.

At that level, I can accept that i DO create my life situation (lessons).
It also shows me just how powerful the Core of me Being really is.

But that deep Core Being inside me, I cannot simply change it at a whim. It is strong, deep, heavy, and powerful.
My momentary, mental whim is but a small aspect of the core. It would be like trying to change the path of the Earth by jumping up and down.

So how do i change it ?
Just by trying ? - well yea, that's a good start, but not enough.
Then I remembered all the books I'd read, the long conversations I'd had about 'inner work'.
Ok now I get it.
To change my Core Being I need to work at the level of the Core Being.
The Core Being is ME, is the CORE of ME.
The only way I can see to change that, to change myself, is to grow, to evolve, to transform, to take the next steps from within the Core Being and move forward.

This is very much how a seed grows. You can't change the acorn seed into an Oak tree by force of will or decision, you let it unfold its own inner Core Being, its very essence and nature.
And then you get an Oak Tree.

This is a slow, long process.

I've not made any great changes yet.
But it is a lifetime's work.... step by step by step, by step, by ste..., be st...., by s....., by ......, .b......, ....... ;


Schoolroom of University of life - an Engineer's perspective

"Life is a schoolroom, it is a place to learn lessons."
I hear this a lot.
It's a good analogy.

"Ok, Mr University teacher, what would it mean ?"

Well it would mean that the lessons are going to have to pitched at the 'right' level for the students.
If my students could do all the lessons perfectly and they never stumbled, then the lessons are too easy.

If my students hardly got any of my lessons right, the course would be too hard.


But there is gem hidden in all this isn't there ?


Students would have to get some lessons right, and some lessons they would have to redo, and try at a number of times.
That would be a good school and a good course.
Which means: that when I look down on myself, and others, for NOT getting their life into perfect order it is actually a silly thing to do.

The school of life is designed so that we will stumble and fall sometimes. It is in the nature of a 'school', in the nature of all learning.

That is the gem isn't it ? I don't have to be down on myself for not getting a perfect life together, because I have a real life in the University of life.

And it means: what I have called 'failure' in my life, is simply: a lesson, something to learn and do better in a new way next time... hmm... I like that perspective.
It is like saying ' do this one again, you didn't get the right answer here'.
It is a gentle, strong gentle way to see it.

"Yes, it IS a good way to look at it :-) ".

In Engineering the best energy transfer for heat is when half the heat is lost and half is passed on. So it is with the lessons, it may not be 'half' but there is a balance for the right number of lessons.

Everyone gets the right difficulty served up.
Every lesson CAN be passed.
Every lesson can be passed at the lowest, middle, highest level.

what if life were "perfect" ?

Cycling to Westgarth the other night:
What if all my life was indeed "perfect" ?

If I had no problems, no fears, no pains, nothing unpleasant.
How would I react ?

I think I might feel internal stuff come up inside me and melt me down from within. I would look for internal problems and they would bubble up.

Sometimes it feels as though the life energy bubbles up from within, and if it has nothing to 'chew' on, nothing to 'wrestle' with, it makes up stuff, anything. A little like the theory of allergies that says the immune system turns on itself because it does not have enough real world stuff to fight.
If that is true, it would mean that if I don't direct my creative flow into positive directions, it will flow anyway, but the direction would not be positive.
Hmm.... .
Since we are all born to a purpose, that purpose will bubble out of my core... and I would be well off to direct it in the best way I can...

All people and creatures are born to a purpose - just flow with life, and you will achieve that which you were born to do. Have faith, for faith is 'the KEY in the doorway of tomorrow'.
Chiron, John of Aesce - 'Wounded Healer, July 2009'.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The William please

Foster and Percy Grainger... an old song I remember about this
it comes from the same kind of Aussie culture, where i could ask for "The William" please, and the waiter didn't blink an eye, and just brought me the bill.....

In Pittsburgh town a man did dwell;
(Doodah! Doodah!)
His name was Foster as I've heard tell.
Oh! Doodah day!)

Foster's dead and gone away;
(Doodah! Doodah!)
His songs dey lib for eber an' aye.
Oh! Doodah day!)

Gwine to still be sung
As long as de worl's heart's young.

Foster's songs weren't Darkie quite;
Yet neither were they merely 'white'.
Foster's songs dey make you cry;
Bring de tear-drop to yo' eye.

Deze songs dey trabble de worl' around'
At las' dey come to Adelaide town.
When I was young on my mummy's knee
She sang dat race course song to me.

Sang it to me sweet as a lullaby;
Hear dat song till de day I die.
- by Percy Grainger

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

receive - give - who is who ?

When you move closer to the source there is a moment that is difficult to describe in any language
The receiver becomes the the giver, and the giver and the receptacle becomes the source..... and then the dance of eternity really begins. - from  Emmanuel's book.

When you say from the heart,
"I choose to know God's will"
then that is the fundamental use of free will.
It is only with freedom of choice
that this can take place.
In the act of surrender there can be no forcing.

Willing a release makes the release tighter, because it does not yield to will.
It yields to yielding.
Surrender to your own reality
your own integrity.
All of these things can neither be taken away from you
nor fulfilled by anyone else but you.
As the surrender deepens the autonomy stands in bold relief.

By the act of surrender
you realize the absolute control
you have over your life.
Surrender is a choice -
an absolute, personal choice.

- from  Emmanuel's book.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

From the wordless void to the incarnate words..... - musing

Dad, where was I before I was born ?"
Yes in indeed, where are we before we are born ?

Where are the words I express before I write them ?
Before I say the words, before I write them, they exists in my mind, but not in words.
What are they then before they are written or spoken ? 

To me the feel like an urge, like a feeling seeking release.
As I speak, I listen to myself, is this what I meant to say ? Does this really convey the essence of it ? Are my words really expressing what I want to say ?

Thus I compare the words I speak and hear with what ? Not with other words, but with something which is pre-verbal, before words, something like a 'feeling' or 'an urge' of sorts.

It is only in expressing myself thus that I transform the non-verbal, pre-verbal to a verbal form.
The 'word becomes flesh' in a manner of speaking.
The words become incarnate.

"So my dear, before you were born, you were in the same place that words are before they are spoken."

Friday, July 24, 2009

awareness, not judging.... just aware of... what IS

For the first time  I see what they mean by 'observe, don't judge'. I heard all that so many many times.
       But the reality is: Usually I don't want to observe myself, or be too aware because I will see things I don't like. "not like" =equals= 'judge' as 'bad', or 'not nice', 'undesireable', 'not good enough' etc... . the logical next step is to change those things.
        HOw ? by trying not to do them, not to be them. this usually just leads to symptoms suppression and not any real change. After a while the effort of suppressing symptoms is too hard. I give up, and go into normal, unaware mode again.
        Why not play a 'game' for a week ? The game is: I promise myself to make NO effort whatsoever to change whatever I see in myself. In fact the games is now reversed: I'm NOT allowed to try and change anything, just 'see' it. That is all, only see it.
No effort to 'improve', to 'fix' to 'change' to 'be good' is allowed in this new game.
Anyone who has done meditation, will recognize this is a classic technique. For some reason it never hit home so clearly before.
Ok lets see how I go for the next 7 days. An experiment.

- walking around in Myanmar, was a different way of being. Not better or worse, - different.
It FEELS different, though it is hard to say in what way.  to illustrate: if someone steps in front of me, if a car squeezes into my path, or I get splashed with sludge from the street, that's ok, I just move around it, smile and get on with things. I genuinely don't feel annoyed, I don't even have to stop any annoyance. That's how it is. In a car, in a taxi the same applies.
        Back in Melbourne, or even in Singapore, people brush me carelessly, step into my path, I feel irritated.
I feel I have a right to move along in my path and others need to keep out of it. Evening today as I slowly ride my bike on the footpath slowly, a lady waves and stand in front of me, then discharges her store of frustration on me for that. Footpath rage. We call each other names, I move on, the atmosphere and mood of Myanmar still protects me and it does not penetrate deeply. 
       I'm sure such things exist everywhere, it is simply more or less visible, or hidden in different places. On the way to the Hotel in Yangon, I witnessed how one driver got out of a car and opened the door of another car, to hit the driver. Never ever seen this before. Road rage.
      I just read an article where an Indian lady gripes about her own country, a rather rude experience at Delhi airport her  story here. 
       As a child in Germany I used to observe adults, and how they related to us kids. I saw how some of the older adults would sit and lie in wait for someone to give them a legitimate reason to discharge themselves. The lawn of the high rise flats where we lived were no-walking zones. Any adult who wanted to vent some anger simply had to wait for a kid to come along and walk on the grass and then they discharged themselves, with 'legitimate reason'.
       It was easy to see they didn't care about the grass, they wanted an officially acceptable reason to be 'in the right' and then they'd pack in all the frustration inside themselves and fire off a salvo. They just needed an excuse. But firing off at someone at random would be too crazy, so they waited, to see someone break some rule. Then they'd fire off. Kind of like psychic landmines. I like the modern American term "pushing some one's buttons". Very apt.
       Us, kids of the blocThis was an excerpt of a post I wrote earlier, treated it as a kind of game, we'd bait the adults and set them off, like the challenge of setting off a mousetrap without getting your fingers caught. In my mind it was understood, that these were our respective job descriptions. Oldies just did that, they grumbled and bitched, and put down the 'decadent' Youngies. And Youngies had to provoke them, they wouldn't be normal and healthy if they just said 'yes, Amen, of course, whatever you say I will do' what kind of kids would they be who did that ? Not normal ones.
        So if hair was usually short, then the young ones had to wear it long. Anything to set the adults off. Unpierced skin ? Pierce it. No tattoo is normal - Young ones->Tattoo it. etc... But it was all cosmetic in the end. The youngies turned into grumpy Oldies and so it contiuned.
        Yep, I've noticed grumpiness zones in myself too, of course. Some of my friends know exactly what & where they are too :-) somedays I feel like a regular hairball mine, touch any hair and off it goes.  

- Ah those grumpyness zones, those buttons... hm....

This was an excerpt of a post I wrote earlier

Sunday, July 19, 2009

FEEEEAR The great liar......

"This is just preventative, to take care of you, so nothing worse happens to you."

"I'm doing this to prevent further and more serious problems."
This is how thoughts go round in my mind.
It only slowly came to me, the voice that said those things was really the voice of fear.
Sure, there is reasonable commonsense taking care of things, locking the front door, keeping your money safely out of sight, taking care crossing the road.
But there comes a point, and only I know when the point comes when it gets ridiculous.... that point is hard to spot, because there are no signs, there are not major fault lines to tell me I've crossed that point.

The thing that does tell me though is my body, the mental climate within myself. If it gets obsessive about an issue, or if the feeling is simply 'bad' then chances are I've let my mind run away with fear. Fear of the 'what if this..... or that ..... happens ?'
What if she leaves me... ?
"What if he does this........ or that .........?"
"What if my health .... ?"
This is a  very neat trick that fear does to the mind.
Fear gets me running around, thinking I'm doing something useful to prevent bad stuff happening.
It makes me think I'm fully taking care of myself, that this is a positive thing.
Yet the real trick is: fear is a great liar, its a distractor.
The real damage is done now. Right now. This INSTANT, in the NOW.

There is only one thing I've been told to do about it: 
Not to change it, just to be aware, not dislike or fight it, just to be aware. That awareness will change it by itself.
Fight it - and I get what ?  A war inside. An argument: "oh but I'm just making sure, that this or that bad thing won't happen to me... come on that's reasonable, EVERYONE is doing it!"

What is the climate inside ? right NOW ? 
Sounds very Buddhist doesn't it ?
I'll let you know how I go ....


 30Jul09 Thursday Melbourne:
Just found another liar...that works similarly to how fear works...
It is called: pressure and hurry....
Pressure and hurry promise the payoff, the peace and quiet in the future...hurry NOW so you get the PEACE you long for LATER... yea.. right... i'll take the peace NOW thanks....

You human beings tend to be hurried and pressured and thereby deny yourself the exquisite pleasure of savouring your lives.
In this way, a great amount of joy
and sweetness goes unnoticed.
If life is lived with care and attention
it will give you the sustenance
and richness you long for.
Allow yourselves to renew your committment
to your lives and to yourselves
many times a day

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

--- a candle --

contentment ? holding onto a brief glimmer or realization

 Everyone - every single thing, every single person is worthy of respect - is OK as they ARE right now.
Sometimes I feel that.  Truly feel that.
Other times I feel that some people are better, some are lesser. Especially feel that I am lesser than some and better than others.
I think that is called judgement.
But judgement does not come and stand up and say "Hi there, I'm judgement!"
Judgement says "You're not good enough yet.... just climb a little higher... THEN it will be OK "
Judgement says "How dare they do this to me ? "
Judgement says "What a failure, why don't they pull themselves together ? "
Judgement tells me "Haiko, you know, you are almost there - just a little more money and little more prestige and status, and then you can relax.... "
"yea sure !"
"What ? you mean you don't believe me ?"
"Trust me, just a little bit more then you are top of the shit heap and can truly relax and enjoy life."
"I don't think so. You said that last time, and the time before that and the time before that."
"Ah but THIS time I will be different."
"Yes it will be differenet this time, because I don't believe you anymore. You are giving me some bullshit picture about a closed world. Life is infinite, there is always MORE, there WILL ALWAYS be more. It never ends.
There are ALWAYS those above me and will ALWAYS be those below you if you want to put it like that. 
You can play the game of higher and lower, 
you can play the game or important and unimportant
but in the end: each thing, each person just IS who they ARE. 
Higher lower, 
important unimportant are just sticky labels, they don't change the thing. 
A rose by any other name... 
And each moment is just a imporant as each moment. 
NOW is my life. ONLY NOW. 
I am what I AM now. 
Sure, I can still aim, and strive for a goal, but I don't strive and aim to justify myself, or make myself 'OK', I am Ok now." 

"That's new age crap." 
"  :-) Well go  for it - you are not wrong. Do what you need to do. It is your path. 
Run Rabbit run
Dig that hole, forget the sun,
And when at last the work is done
Don't sit down it's time to dig another one
For long you live and high you fly
But only if you ride the tide
And balanced on the biggest wave
You race towards an early grave
Breathe - Pink Floyd 1973
In the end my friend, it is not a matter of argument. 
The words I have written here are not to convince, but rather to capture and hold that feeling and understanding. You see, understanding contains feeling. 
If the feeling  evaporates then the words are like empty shells, the seed long gone.... 
good night. .... "