conversations in the pre-incarnation laboratory

Kobe2007, Japan, from the 'hills'.

"you remember the last time ? I had to get you out myself."
"This time will be different, I'll remember."
"Take it in small chunks. Don't let yourself lose house, wife, kids and money  at all the same time."
"But I really want to get this done and learn about starting again, totally from scratch."
"You can learn that, but do it in steps. Look it's like this: if you want to grow muscles, do you do a 24 hour work out or do you work out 24 hours over 24 days ?"
"Hm… I get your point."
"Let's say you lose the house, you learn how to recover from it, you get back on your feet. Then you lose the wife, she divorces you. You learn to recover from that. You build up strength and resources, and you find your balance again. When your sons die in a car accident you will need ALL your accumulated strength of recovery."
"Makes sense, but I'm still keen to really test myself."
"Do that, but be kind to yourself. 
Serapian won't pass this plan anyway."

……..
Later.......................................
……..
"What did Serapian say ?"
"He surprised me."
"Yea, that'd be right."
"He said it's my choice. If I do my original plan, where I lose everything it will be a soul lesson."
"Huh? What do you mean ?"
"A lesson in how to set lessons for myself. He said that it would show me deep things inside myself, very quickly. But that I can do the same thing more slowly, kind of like you suggested. But he'll support me with the Incarnation Approval Committee either way."
"I'm not going to haul you out again, you will have to ask someone else to be on standby. Sorry. I can't, not after last time. Bringing you back in bits and pieces and putting you back together like a jigsaw puzzle was horrible. No thanks."
"But I'll 'make' it this time."
"Probably, but I have to look at the worst case. Can I cope with that? No, I can't, not again."
"Take it as a lesson ?"
"No, that's not the next thing for me, sorry. I'm slow and methodical, I'm still on the 'moving out of my comfort zone' theme."
"I…"
"Don't even suggest it."
"Ok, ok." :-)

-----------------------------------------

Overheard in the life-time planning lab. 

NB: Incarnation = spirit takes on physical substance, a body. Usually means: being born.

too much computer work, how to cope sitting in front of a computer all day

RMIT 2008

found a really workable way to work with computers and a break reminder such as WorkRave:

I set the reminder to 15 mins, 1 minute break. That's the easy part.
When it goes off I don't want to have a break, I don't want to get up and I don't want to move. I'm in 'computer state' of mind.

BUT: if I actually DO get up and do some real exercise, not just stretching or wandering off, but real solid exerise, such as push ups then it makes a difference at the end of the day.The key is that the exercise is 'vigorous' intense, and really uses muscle power.

At the end of the day of doing work like this I feel 'with it' alive, not zonked. I feel like I've done a good day's work and feel pleasantly tired, not tense and stressed from computer stress.

The combination of physical and mental is the key.
When I'm in front of a computer, the last thing I want to do is step out of my mental state into the physical, but if I do, and if I do it regularly, the payoff is fantastic.
It does take discipline.
It does take kindness to myself, when I don't do it .... when I say "Ah...I'll just skip it this ONCE...." - again...
But with patience I get there.

Such a simple method.
Why didn't I get this earlier?
Discipline.

PS: I use my mind very intensely all day in front a computer, I guess it makes sense to balance that with vigorous physical muscle power.

For those not familiar with break reminder software: It is a small program that reminds you to take a break at regular intervals. You can set how often it reminds you.

The idea is to prevent Repetitive Strain Injury (RSI) of the hands and arms.

By doing this vigorous exercise I found it goes beyond just preventing RSI, I actually feel better and less stress at the end of the day. 

Workrave is at: www.workrave.org it's free, and open source, meaning you can take the code and change it and customize it.

the woman in the corner

No one noticed the woman in the corner.

She sat in the back of the restaurant and kept quiet, still. There was something about her that made you overlook her. It was as though she was part of the décor.

Then she stood up and everyone in the restaurant stopped talking at the same instant. Without knowing why, as if by random chance everyone just happened to look at her.

She smiled.

Her smile open and gentle.

People smiled without thinking and then turned back to keep, eating, drinking and talking.

No one noticed a young woman with all black eyes leave a minute later.

---(o)---

meaning -position & perspective. ---o--- the ONE point

the ONE point of BE-ing

meaning -position and perspective ---o--- the "S" series

S-Series - meaning and perspective

meaning -position & perspective. ---o--- the "M" series

the " m " series - 13 = B = union of the 12

do I want real reality ?

David is given the choice: To continue his life of suspended animation, dreaming and experiencing a perfect life in which he is with "Sophie" the girl of his dreams or to return to his body and his real life.

In his real real life he is injured, a survivor or a car crash, his face is twisted and mangled and then restored.

He is in pain, and Sophie has left him.

Macau Kwann Imm Temple 2010

The choice is: go back or stay in suspended animation ?

Is this not the choice i have every day ?

The movie was called "Vanilla Sky" Tom Cruise & Co...

inside outside view - greed

Drawing 2003 Haiko

"Make hay wile the sun shines."
I was simply looking after my needs, putting aside for 'the hard time of winter'. What's wrong with that ? Everyone does that, it's commonsense after all. 
So I grabbed what I could and as much as I could carry. 


It was only when I looked at myself from what an outsider would see, that I realized, it looked greedy. 
When I was honest with myself, I realized: it WAS greedy.
I was surprised.  
It didn't feel like greed to me at the time.
I was just looking after my needs. Giving myself some TLC...looking after my needs......taking care of myself....being kind to myself, ...having what I deserved...


Hmmmm... How could this happen ? 
I had never seen any sign that said "Slow down, you are now entering the Greed Zone."

Greed works only in the world of ordinary affairs. To venture into that terrifying loneliness of the unknown, one must have something greater than greed: love. One needs love for life, for intrigue, for mystery. One needs unquenchable curiosity and guts galore. 

— Don Juan Matus  (as in: Carlos Castaneda) 

2004 HR

To the greedy person what they feel is NOT greed. They feel a great need, a great lack that they are filling. They feel a great hunger. If you are hungry you eat. Simple. Natural. 

Words like "greedy" are a label we use when we look at others.
It's not a word we use when we are INSIDE the feeling of greed. 


Words are by  their very nature something that requires a degree of 'outside perspective'. 


That greedy person simply FEELS a feeling --- a desire for something --- a need. 
They are simply defending themselves from the ‘wolf at the door’, from the threat of lack, from loss....
from the uncertainties of life etc... . 
They might feel justified in providing for their family....
But the point is: they do NOT feel the label GREED, they feel a feeling.


So how will that person know they are in the clutches of feelings of greed ?
The short answer is: They won't if they don't want to know  OR  they will if they want to... it all depends on the 'intent' the attitude the direction they are looking in. 
           They will feel opposition from the outside world, they will feel the judgment of the outside world.
At that point they can look within and view their actions, feel the truth in their hearts and choose.

More outside pressure and judgement, "don't be greedy", "don't be selfish" usually does not work. 

Most people just dig in harder because they feel the pressure the threat of an invasive force on them and the natural reaction is to resist that.  

They do not understand that what others see in them is greed.

Ultimately the choice has to be their's. This kind of thing cannot be forced by outside pressure. 

I’ve spoken about greed as an example, but it is the general principle I want to illustrate.
The principle of inside VS outside realities.
Two realities...........................more on this in future blogs...

2003 HR

medical empowerment - connecting to yourself

One day Joe Bloe goes and sees the doctor. "Your cholesterol is too high, you need to do this and that and take these pills. Oh and you should cut down on stress, smoking and relax more."
"Your blood pressure is too high.... .... take these pills..."
"Your blood sugar levels are outside the normal range, better take this ...."

Mrauk U Myanmar July2010

At this point Joe has a choice.
He can view his body as a kind of machine and the doctor as a mechanic who 'tries to fix it'. 
OR
He can view the diagnosis as a sign that something in his lifestyle, body, consciousness, emotions is out of balance. 


If  Joe sees himself as a machine then he will remain reliant on outside intervention and specialized equipment to give him feedback how his body-machine is doing. (Note: there is nothing wrong with this view). 


If Joe works out what aspect his body, lifestyle,  consciousness, emotions, is out of balance then he can start to make changes. He can use the external specialized equipment to give him feedback about how well his changes are going. 
The required changes may be simple, such as  cutting back on whatever he is eating, drinking, or doing too much of - or the changes could be deeper, connecting to his emotions and feelings and underlying attitudes. 


Lets say that at some point as Joe looks at his deeper feelings and makes changes. 
His readings come back into the normal range. 
Eventually he will find that he works out the connection between his lifestyle, attitude, consciousness and intent and the blood pressure, and cholesterol readings. 
He finds a connection that is intuitive,  feeling and practical. He will start to know when he is going outside the limits of what is good for him. 


This same principle is used in biofeedback devices, i.e. giving the person a way of connecting to an aspect of their being they were not able to connect to otherwise. 


There is no point blaming the medical establishment, in the final analysis it is Joe's choice in how he reacts. There is a lot of pressure to view things in ONE particular way, sure, but isn't there in every aspect of life ?  :-) 


Even more importantly: there is a temptation for Joe to blame himself for being sick, for not getting better. 

        Lets say Joe Bloe does find the imbalance in himself, his furious temper gets better, he genuinely relaxes, and yet his cholesterol and blood pressure don't change. 

This really frustrates him. 
Then he suddenly realizes: There is another level of awareness he needs to look at: how he treats himself. 
Can he forgive himself for being what is he is NOW ? for being sick ? 
Can he accept himself for being ill ?
Sometimes this acceptance can be the greatest healer of all... 


Authors note: That is one of the biggest lessons of all.... at least I have found it so. Not sure I've got anywhere near mastering it yet... :-P 


Acknowledgements: 
Thanks to many many friends, long conversations over the years, and people I can't all name,.... Vilayphone, Phoenix, Nok, Emmanuel, my father Fritz  Rudolph for being sounding boards for these ideas.

Myanmar 2010

Manipulating the Universe ?

I'm asking myself: Heiko, why use clever tricks, or repetitive spiritual practices to cajole and try to manipulate life ?

Would I relate this way to a lover ? to a friend ? to another human ? I can if I want to and I will get an appropriate response i.e. at the level of manipulation.

Macao 2010 Graffiti park

Why don't I try an experiment ? Relate to life as I would to another human being ? - as I would to a wiser, loving human being ? (hm... Ok .... I have trouble with the idea of 'wiser and more loving' so I'll keep it simple for the moment and relate as to life as as a lover, as a friend)

I won't use clever methods and tricks.

No self flagellation, no beating up of self.

No grovelling.

No intimidation or tantrums (well some will slip through I guess)

No stupid bargaining ... (you know what I mean, no glass beads, no silly crap.). 

In my experiment the core of the Universe is alive and living and hears and feels and knows (more than I can, but I'll stick with it at a level I can relate to for the moment)

So, why not just talk to life ? Only my belief limited me. 

Now I believe, truly believe, that life hears. No I don't hear voices, but life responds in her/his own way...

I guess this is what people have called 'prayer' - but I'm not going to  repeat mantras, I'm talking, as I would to a friend.  talking includes intending... includes directing thoughts and questions....

There are other ways to relate to life, and each way is fine withing itself. 

It is little like science: 

Science can be used to 

1) look at the natural world to get stuff done, make things work (by Engineers like myself), 

or

2) to enjoy the mystery of if all. 

In the first way: we to look at the Universe as a kind of sophisticated machine.We dive in, work out this and that and come up with machines to save effort, computers, world communications, drugs, flying devices called airplanes, pesticides, fertilizers, guns, hospitals, anaesthetics... etc....

But we are looking with the intend of 'using' it for our purpose. To achieve something, to make better medicine, better computers for more money, better guns to better intimidate, better hospitals to rehabilitate etc....

This first way is a valid way to look at the Universe, it gets results.

It works in its own band of reality.

But in the second way we go to a deeper level.

We look at the Universe as a person.

Some people do this already , RA goes in this direction. But he still talks about the 'core being simple' or the 'core being lazy'

I want to suggest going even further.

The core IS ME.

The core is who I AM.

At the deepest levels I cannot sit and decide my goals, my goals have decided and created me. 

I am here, thinking about them because they called me forth.

From the meeting of an egg and sperm I came out of ... where ? the Bardo ? the non physical realities... to be here, physically alive... and I will return when my trip has achieved its purpose... .

Part of that purpose is for me to figure out CONSCIOUSLY what my conscious purpose is.

The purpose is already there, consciously working it out is my task. 

Yet the deeper truth is: life is not ONLY something to be manipulated, to be figured out, to be dived into in a scientific way to find the method of achieving ...wealth, business, love, etc....(sure do all that... but don't forget the other side)

Life is a living being. The closest we can come to it is: other human beings and animals.

To relate to life in a way that is mechanical, or to figure out things in a way that is impersonal tunes into those impersonal aspects of life.

And yes, of course, those who say to be realistic, are right too. 

I need to be true to the mechanical laws of physics to the realities of the world... 

--------------

All the particles of the world
Are in love and looking for lovers.
Pieces of straw tremble
In the presence of amber.

Rumi

Results of the experiment: 

- the way I treat myself is the way I treat the Universe, is the way I treat others... its all one thing...

love seems weak and namby pamby, but it is stronger than anything in the Universe- how is that ?

All the particles of the world

Are in love and looking for lovers.

Pieces of straw tremble

In the presence of amber.

Rumi

A friend just sent me this poem.

Macao Lighthouse 2010 - "Leal Senado"

it made me think about 'love' or "lerve"  as we say (cynically) in Oz.

I have heard that one of the greatest errors in thinking is the idea that power, violence, fear, anger and force are stronger than love.

They are not.

But I think they are.

I often think of love as weak, puny, being taken advantage of, stupid, silly, too nice...naive, being a sucker...

but that is not the love that holds the Universe together.(or is it ?  :-)

The Universe is not held together by fear and force and threats and violence.

(Well ok, parts of the human Universe might look like that is the case, but that is Human doing)

So what is this "love" that holds the Universe together ?

The love that does not yell and scream and force me, the love that gives me freedom and choice ? - (also allows me to be unloving)

As I live my life, I bump into REALITY, the love, the reality of existence. That reality is .... well how to say it ? - it is: 'real'!

It has a shape, it is hard, and it is soft.

It does not yell and scream and threaten me, but it is real.

I choose, I live, and somehow life touches me, the reality of it hits me... what is it that hits me ?
I reap as I sow, that is one reality. It is not something I can bribe or manipulate... that is IT. That IS the reality of life... one aspect...there are many many more... and in the core of it: it is love.
 

It is not violence, it is not anger... it is..something else...

I suspect: it may be part of the core of myself.... the part that is more than my conscious mind. ...

The part that cannot be understood by mind alone, the part that has to be felt.

That has to be experienced.

.. the one foot after the other experiment..... OR too much planning kills joy

what if I was sure that I would achieve all my day's work
but that I didn't have to stress about it ? 

I will achieve everything I need to do during the day, as long as I simply do the thing that is next in line.
As long as I take the next step and it IS the next step (not avoidance or running away). 
Sure, plan things but let the plan stay lose and flexible.........

A lot of my energy is wasted in trying to adhere to some plan of how things SHOULD go during my day.
When it does not, I stress.
"damn...that person is not on the phone, I can't get the proofs done now, it will have to wait till Monday....but i want it NOW !!! arraggahhhhhhhhh.........."
Does it really matter that much ?
When I think about it: No. 

It is really the little boy inside me throwing a tantrum because things didn't go his way,
Perhaps a sign that it's time to take care of that little one ? (NB: take care not spoil, not distract, not belittle...)

So now, today I'm going to let things flow... I won't stress about "will I get everything done?" I will simply go step by step and enjoy each step, not rushing in a mad hurry in case I don't get the list of things I "have to do" done..... lets see how I go by the end of the day.

- Just got an email asking me to do something - how do I react ? 
  do I trust life ?
  do I react positively or negatively ?
  I trust that the time will be there and I will do it when it is the next 'right step' ....

- will I go into the day like a bulldozer with an iron will determined to achive ABC....XYZ in exactly THAT order? I might succeed, but how will I feel at the end ? (written 11:00 hours in Melbourne).

How did the experiment go? 
21:00 hours same day: in the afternoon unexpectedly a friend 'M' called, reminded me about wanting to swap podcast files, met up  with other old mates. Suddenly an opportunity opened up for 'M' to deliver Chi-plates for me to BKK  the next day and I have to get them ready tonight, drive 230KM round trip to drop some stuff off, come back to Melbourne, drive friend 'M' to the airport the next day etc...
        - none of this was planned like that that - I had wondered how to get the Chi-plates delivered.  I'm going to be super busy but it worked out :-) ... now to make the final set of  Chi-plates  and then drive 115+115Km drop a car load of stuff and get back by 11am tomorrow morning .... he he he ....

So......... on with the experiment for this day... the one foot after the other experiment.....

how to throw stuff out - and being kind to myself - vomiting clothes

Morocco 2006, Fez

I posted the message on facebook:......Vomiting clothes....

I just tossed out a huge pile of old clothes and it seems to have made no diff to the total stuff in my wardrobe... sorting it out brings back lots of memories.... time to let it all go... new life... new chapter....

A friend wrote: Don't stop there. Ditch the lot :-)

My response: 

What run round in the nude ... ?
I used to do this to myself (not the nude bit, the ditching  the LOT bit) I'd force myself to be radical with myself and I felt bad for months... I'd miss the stuff I forced myself to toss out .......

So now I don't do that, I just toss out what I feel comfortable tossing out...  I'm nicer to myself ( a little bit at least ) :-)

BUT one trick I do have: I mentally mark a large pile of stuff as "You are next" and I label another pile as "In a pinch this too will go" ... that helps me get ready for the next spasm of vomiting out old crap....

Economics too helps: I found out yesterday that even a small space of commercial storage 2meters by 2 meters or so, costs a minimum of $100  / month. That's $1200 per year. So at some point in time the value of my stuff in storage will be worth less than the cost of storage.

As a result I realized: I won't get commercial storage, I'll toss out more, and I'll ask my parents to take a little more of the stuff.
So that is what triggered the clothes vomit episode this morning....
:-)

The connection didn't hit me as clearly until I just wrote about it here. 


Comments: 

---

C says:

Unlike there, we have an event here organised by students - The Swapping Day - where you can exchage old clothes for others' - nice, isn't it?
M says: You only miss it once you toss it out. As long as you hang on, it stays forgotten :) Better to toss and miss than keep and forget! 55 - 
M says: Sykes! I had a storage locker at $1200+ per year for 20 years - actually for the first 10 years I had 2 lockers! In 2008 I finally took possession of my apartment again and moved all the stuff out of the locker and back home. Guess what? 90% was useless crap which I ended up tossing! I think there's a lesson there somewhere.
H says: OMG, that's painful.... I reckon even in 2 years the value of my crap is going to be less than the storage... the only thing is documents, but hey even those, who cares.

you are right: it only hurts when you let go, when you hold it you never know you even have it and you don't miss is and you don't USE it either. 

i am not my mind - my mind thinks it is all I am

Siam, Nhong Khai, 2004

Something surprising hit me the other day:

I realized that the REAL ME is something ...something .... which I can't describe.

But of one thing I was sure: it is NOT my mind.

I never saw it so clearly before.
I am  not not my mind.
I AM more than a mind.
I AM more than my thoughts or even my feelings.

There is an " i " which has thoughts and feelings, but those thoughts and feelings are not the core of what I call " i " or " myself ".
I never really understood that part until now.

I always knew it intellectually but I didn't 'get it' until that day.

I have found that in my life, I can not simply do whatever my mind thinks of -  because I AM more than my mind.

I can try, and I will pay the price on a non mind level.
A price of pain: pain is not only a mental thing, pain transcends all levels, just as joy does.
Mind is a tool, a nice tool, but a tool IS not ME.

Taking this a few steps further:
My body IS not ME, it is a tool.
So who is ME ?
Whoever  I AM in the end: I'm not physical, even though I have dressed in a physical body.
I am not mind, even though a mind is part of the package I need to survive in this world.
Who AM i really ?
Well by definition: I can't give a purely an intellectual answer, because that is just a mind answer and as I said above: I AM not just my mind.
So what kind of answer can I give myself ?
Simple: FEEL experience.
BE.
The answer whatever it is has to be felt, experienced,  tasted, seen, I have to BE the answer.

When I think  about (using my mind), how can the answer be anything other than that ?
The answer cannot only be something that is not truly ME. The answer can be partly mental, but not ONLY and not exclusively mental.

The answer can be feeling but not ONLY feeling.
You have to BE the answer, in other words: you ARE the answer to your own question of who am I ?
Makes no logical sense ?
Of course not, it goes way beyond mind.
Mind likes to think it is EVERYTHING - but it isn't. It sits on top of feeling and that in turn is only a part of the real ME.
I wrote all this as I experienced it, now it is fading.
I have yet to BE and FEEL. 
I have yet to experience BEing who I am.
"But How ?" (mind asks)
Answer: "You intend by intending
You Be by BEing."

---(o)---

How did all this stuff about not being my mind come to me ?
It came like this: All my life I've used my mind to do things I thought would be 'good' by mind's standards. Mentally there was nothing wrong with those things, they were morally ok. They were even socially approved.
But to my surprise I kept running into something else. 
I kept running into myself, those bits that were not just my mind.
I would set up my perfect lifestyle as my mind had painted it. I found it, I was able to create it.
And surprise, surprise: I hated it.
But I should not, I had everything I could wish for, (so I told myself).
Well my mental picture had left out things.
My mental picture had ignored the fact that I am NOT a mind on legs, I am not a brain on legs.
I know, I know, mentally I always knew that. But I had not EXPERIENCED it.
THAT was the key. 

The experience.

What does a good mental geeek and engineer do in response to all this ?
He thinks harder.
A bit like the old colonial maxim: if the natives don't understand English, you have to just shout louder.
I did the same to myself: I thought harder, I looked harder with the mind. I analyzed and thought and argued, and came to the conclusion that I ought not to feel what I felt and that I ought to be deliriously happy and ecstatically happy. 
I had realized my dreams.
So if I was not happy, that meant there was something wrong with me. 
Logic told me I ought to be happy.
I spent a number of years going in circles like this.
The mind is great at rationalizing (actually it is not the mind that does that, the mind is just the tool, it is the intent that drives the mind which does the rationalizing).

In the end the answer was much much simpler. There was nothing wrong with me.
I had simply ignored the fact that I was not just a mind.
There were other parts of me. Non mental parts. 
Non-mind parts. 
In fact the mind is just a small part of the whole.

---(o)---

The world thinks that people without external rules are lawless and would do anything... therefore we need more rules to control them and keep things from disintegrating and uttter chaos.
Actually people would not do just any wild thing at all.
People are more than minds, and the parts of all of us that are non-mind are the parts that KNOW what we truly are and want in life. It is only mind that that thinks it is free and unfettered.

I have used my mind and I have tried to live as though I was just a mind. It does now work, it cannot work. I understand that now.
 
I only understood this because I see that even though I have freedom to do whatever I want on the mental level, in reality I have to live with myself, in reality I am NOT just my mind, I am something more than a mind.  
 

It is the external rules of power and control that separate people from their true selves (their Temples of Self) And it is separated from themselves people who DO do anything wild & crazy they can think of, because they are separated from themselves ...that is why they can (to a degree). But it is the fear of chaos and the imposition of too many rules that creates  separated-from-self people in the first place. These people then provide the evidence for why those rules were necessary in the first place. It becomes a vicious self-sustaining circle.


Note1: Everyone is more or less separated-from-self.
Note2: not all rules are primarily for power and control, many rules are simply for convenience e.g. do your toilet business in the toilet not anywhere else. Rules like that are primarily practical, they are really commonsense. Those are not the rules I talk about. - more on this in another blog... 

---(o)---

do I want to be in this world ? rings of learning.... like rings on a tree....

Dear Grasshoppper,  

my natural home is the world of spirit.
So I meditate, I write stories, I reconnect to the world of my home that way.
Then I move into the world of the physical, I feel lost, alone, small tiny and have no idea what the hell I'm doing here.

That move from the spirit to the physical feels similar to when we have a nice dream: all is clear, we KNOW and understand, then when we wake up it fades and we lose it. The reality of it leaves us.

Or it is like: a great insight and understanding that fades gradually.

In the world of spirit there is no need for words, no need for complex arguments, for written rules.
There is just KNOWING, obvious, clear, intuitive. You just KNOW, what is right for you, what is not, you know what your level of honour requires and you live by it naturally like breathing. 
There is no need to look up a book of rules or 'HOW to's'
In the world of spirit the key is 'connection'


In the world of the physical there IS a need for words, clarity, rules, agreements. There is uncertainty and most of  all there is something that does not really exist in spirit: FEAR. Fear based on a feeling of separation, fear based on 'either this or that'. For me the key to the physical is 'separation'.

I want to look at the feelings as I move from the world of spirit to the world of physical:

Moving from the world of spirit to the world of the physical feels very strange for me because I still have a memory of the spirit world.  For me moving to the physical creates feelings of
- lostness,
- vulnerability, naked and defenceless,
- imprisoned,
- feelings of being stuck in a bog, stuck in quicksand
and most of all FEAR.

Fear paralyses, fixes in place, nails me to one spot so I'm afraid to move. It is like a vine that weaves itself around me and immobilizes me. No motion, no movement.

To break out of that feeling I often use anger, the power of movement and fire and explosion. I raise the dragon and spew forth fire and smoke (words, criticism, judgement).

Fear, Anger, frustration has been my normal response to the physical.
I've wanted to get OUT of the physical.
Well not entirely, there are some nice things on the physical, but as a whole, the physical world seemed dangerous, tricky, violent, fearsome and unpleasant (yukkie, irksome).

But if i had no lessons on the physical I would not be here in a human body.
I've spent time running from the physical, avoiding the lessons etc...

Only recently have I started to understand the things which I've written here.
I've understood that much of my reactions to life have been reactions to a change of environment. 
That move from spirit to physical.

I can understand my own reactions more when I think of a move  from a country where i am happy and at peace, where i have friends and family.  In that place I know where everything is and how to do things. Then I am forced to move  into a new country where I don't know the language. People do things differently, they don't behave the way I am used to, they have strange customs I find disgusting and primitive and revolting (as well as some really nice ones).
They still do things in the new country that we have left behind for a thousand years in my own country. I hate it, I dislike it. It sucks.

And that hate and dislike is reflected back at me.
I hate it more.
I get more of my own hate energy back at myself.

My feelings of disgust, and revulsion come back at me.

I've met people who immigrated to a new country and yet they keep longing for and talking about the old country. Everything in the old country is wonderful and everything in the new country is bad, they can't see any good. They are having trouble adjusting to the new place. They recreate a mini version of the old country in the new one. Their children gradually move into the new country.

I have been very much like that.

For a long time I did not accept my new country, i.e. the physical world. Or I would only accept it on my terms, or only bits of it. I've accepted it more, but  I'm not sure I've accepted it totally.
I still rave about how nice the old country is, and I pour shit on how bad the physical world is, how we had it sooooo muuuuuch better in the world of spirit etc... blah blah ... I think you get the idea. I have looked down on the physical world (because I'm so superior, i.e. spiritual - how ironic, it proves the opposite :-). 

I've talked about moving from the world of spirit to the world of the physical.
Birth is the biggest move to the physical world of matter. Death is the biggest move back home. It is the birth back into the world of spirit.... laden with a shopping bag of experiences and wisdom....

But once I'm born then what ? is there still any moving between countries?
Yes.

An immigrant to a new country has to buy a plane ticket to go 'home' to the old country.

But for me to go 'home' I can simply visit the old country of spirit any time. All it takes is intent and awareness. The methods differ for different people, for me the way 'home' is, solitude, quietness, space, a good cup of tea, meditation, writing (things like this on my computer.... ) ....

So for me moving from one world to the other is not a physical thing anymore, it is a thing of intent and perception. Well not entirely, travelling in the physical helps a lot and lends it a real power.
But even then,  it is still a thing of awareness.


So HOW does one do that 'awareness' thing ?
I can only reply in the words of Juan Matus (Carlos Castaneda) "One intends by intending." and I would add:  "One sees by seeing.
One wants by wanting."
The way for each person is unique and different.


There are physical ways to go 'home' as well. Alcohol, drugs, danger, etc... can be used as pathways get a glimpse of 'home'. The glimpse is genuine, the price for the trip is very high.
In the old days, when the world of spirit and physical were closer, and even overlapping everyone would naturally go 'home' to spirit to rest by simply shifting their awareness. Nowadays we have lost that ability.

We rely a lot on physical things. I believe that going home for a rest, and for a look and a visit is our birthright. We do it in sleep at the very least. It is not the going that it problem is the method and the price of going that can be difficult.

Figure1: The spirit and physical worlds only barely touch in our times.

Figure2: The spirit and physical worlds overlapped in ancient times. They will do so again one day... .


All this might sound a little abstract.

So far I've only set the scene to what I want to talk about.

Let me get personal: Deep inside myself I have always resented being in this country of the physical, it was rough, scary, barbarian and uncouth. It was not how I did things back 'home' (yes, this can be one of the blessings and curses of remembering 'home' too well. :-P )
I dimly remember having tried all sorts of other escapes from this country of the physical in other lives, including a self induced exit, and the usual methods of alcohol etc....
I was born with the clear memory that those methods don't work.
But still I was pissed off at being "...here AGAIN dammit !".
I was NOT impressed, scared and obstinate. 

I would let no one FORCE me to LIKE it here.
No one would be able to MAKE me LIKE it here.

I missed my 'HOME' !
What the hell was I doing here anyway ?

I got into a power struggle with life.
I sulked.
I would not cooperate,
I would do the absolute minimum and that was all.

Passive protest.
Passive aggression.
And add to that a good dose of fear.

Oh sure, I did what I HAD to do. To an outsider it looked like I did the right things. I tried hard etc.... well yes sort of but not really.

And I remembered vaguely a few things that from the last time I had visited the country to the physical. Old battle wounds itched and hurt.
What the f**** was I doing here once again ?


One of the  things that persuaded me to change was a very simple and powerful realization:


- 'if that is what you want, ok you can have it!'

(That was the realization)

My response was:
Huh? what ?

- you heard me, if you want a half lived life of resentment and fighting life, go for it. It's your's.
What, you won't force me ?


- We've never forced you.
Yes you did !


- No, we never did.
Then why the hell am I here ?

- you chose this.
I didn't not really.

- .........silence ...............
Ok I guess on some level I did.

- Yes on 'some level' you did.
But not all of me.

- no, not all of you.
So what am I doing here ?

- to make it ALL of you.
Really ?

- really.
what if i don't.

-  then you don't :-)
oh.

- ...........................
I can't imagine ever getting to the point where I really LIKE it here.

- it's not a matter of liking, its a matter of resentment.
oh.
And once I don't resent it, I'll like it I guess.

- find out. he he he
why ?

- why not ?
hey !

- Ok, ok. Without that lesson well learned inside you, you would not be ready for the greater dose of joy and light that waits after that.
huh? greater joy ?
since when does it take strength to have joy ?

- since always. It always has.
hm.... that's a new one.

- Everything is in a tension of opposites. Peace and harmony too take strength, they are not the absence of war or conflict but they are the power to hold and weave warring energies that would otherwise cause destruction. Weaving them together to create peace and harmony is the task of the warrior.

The writing above was triggered by a experience I had at work once:

I had a flu on a Sunday, painful, my hair hurt, every move hurt.
The next few days at work I overworked then had to take it really gently.
I felt delicate and fragile by the middle of the week.
I simply had no energy to do anything but the basics and just what I had to do. I did it.
I had to enter data from a laboratory, answer emails, deal with people who asked lots of complicated questions, silly questions etc....
     Then something different happened.

     I didn't worry about what else I COULD be doing, or perhaps SHOULD be doing. I just decided that right now this thing I was doing was the right and best thing to do at this moment.
I no longer had the feeling of resentment at the thing I was doing.
I no longer distracted myself from what I had to do, or ran away into other tasks to avoid the ones I didn't want to face. I just did it.
I felt no annoyance.

Then I realized: that most of my life I had done things that I didn't really WANT to do. 
When I had to enter the laboratory data I'd usually resent the menialness of the job. I thought:
" What was I doing such boring work for ? 
It was below me.
I should be doing much more "important" things. " and I would try to get it done as fast as possible to make it disappear as fast as I could.

This was the attitude to many things in my life. I was always trying to make things dissappear to get to the nice bits... and I didn't really ever get there... .

But it took computer work to really show it to me.
Ever since I started working with computers in the 1990's I've found them hard to sit in front of for too long. Pain  irritation, etc....
It wasn't till a friend suggested they might be reflecting back my own energies that the penny dropped....ahhh I see !

So when I simply accepted those menial tasks, I found: no problem from computer work. I didn't even feel irritated or annoyed. I could do more hours and still feel fine after wards.
The only thing I had changed was my resentment.

Chapter 1: Circles of growth

Drawings on my experience of working with energy: 


What I send out comes back to me, quite literally, - my reaction is reflected back at me. If I then react the same way then this too is reflected back to  me and so on.
That way the energy grows quite fast and very strong.
Examples of this are:
- computer work
- writing
- family,
in short: anything that I pour my energy into intensely will send that energy back at me.
Energy sent back at me gives me a choice:
I can see it as energy separate from myself and fight with it. I can perceive it as 'other and alien' and push against it.
Or
I can look deeper and see that the source of that energy is truly from myself.
It has MY unique character imprinted into it.
All I am doing is seeing myself.
Life becomes a mirror.
I can fight within myself or I can accept.

If I accept then what was once an impenetrable mirror wall of silver becomes an open doorway.
(see George MacDonald's Fairy Tales for the idea of the silver reflecting bubble within which a person is enclosed. It describes the psychic reality of this very well.

Above figure: The white ring is the area the person can easily deal with.

The orange middle ring is the ring of current issues to deal with. The area of transition and change and growth

The faint ring on the outside is the next level of growth waiting to be dealt with.

Above figure: Energy is reflected back at the person sending it.

Above figure: Growth process, only a little of  the energy used in  growth is reflected back at the orange ring level.  The orange middle ring is the ring of current issues to deal with. The area of transition and change and growth

More on how energy given out can reflect back on the person sending it here:  http://heikorudolph.com/opinions/computerhumaninteractions.htm
It's a discussion about how computers can reflect back the energies at the person who sends it.

The same principle holds for anything into which a person pours a lot of their energy.

From the master's memoirs and letters: 15May10