do I want to be in this world ? rings of learning.... like rings on a tree....

Dear Grasshoppper,  

my natural home is the world of spirit.
So I meditate, I write stories, I reconnect to the world of my home that way.
Then I move into the world of the physical, I feel lost, alone, small tiny and have no idea what the hell I'm doing here.

That move from the spirit to the physical feels similar to when we have a nice dream: all is clear, we KNOW and understand, then when we wake up it fades and we lose it. The reality of it leaves us.

Or it is like: a great insight and understanding that fades gradually.

In the world of spirit there is no need for words, no need for complex arguments, for written rules.
There is just KNOWING, obvious, clear, intuitive. You just KNOW, what is right for you, what is not, you know what your level of honour requires and you live by it naturally like breathing. 
There is no need to look up a book of rules or 'HOW to's'
In the world of spirit the key is 'connection'


In the world of the physical there IS a need for words, clarity, rules, agreements. There is uncertainty and most of  all there is something that does not really exist in spirit: FEAR. Fear based on a feeling of separation, fear based on 'either this or that'. For me the key to the physical is 'separation'.

I want to look at the feelings as I move from the world of spirit to the world of physical:

Moving from the world of spirit to the world of the physical feels very strange for me because I still have a memory of the spirit world.  For me moving to the physical creates feelings of
- lostness,
- vulnerability, naked and defenceless,
- imprisoned,
- feelings of being stuck in a bog, stuck in quicksand
and most of all FEAR.

Fear paralyses, fixes in place, nails me to one spot so I'm afraid to move. It is like a vine that weaves itself around me and immobilizes me. No motion, no movement.

To break out of that feeling I often use anger, the power of movement and fire and explosion. I raise the dragon and spew forth fire and smoke (words, criticism, judgement).

Fear, Anger, frustration has been my normal response to the physical.
I've wanted to get OUT of the physical.
Well not entirely, there are some nice things on the physical, but as a whole, the physical world seemed dangerous, tricky, violent, fearsome and unpleasant (yukkie, irksome).

But if i had no lessons on the physical I would not be here in a human body.
I've spent time running from the physical, avoiding the lessons etc...

Only recently have I started to understand the things which I've written here.
I've understood that much of my reactions to life have been reactions to a change of environment. 
That move from spirit to physical.

I can understand my own reactions more when I think of a move  from a country where i am happy and at peace, where i have friends and family.  In that place I know where everything is and how to do things. Then I am forced to move  into a new country where I don't know the language. People do things differently, they don't behave the way I am used to, they have strange customs I find disgusting and primitive and revolting (as well as some really nice ones).
They still do things in the new country that we have left behind for a thousand years in my own country. I hate it, I dislike it. It sucks.

And that hate and dislike is reflected back at me.
I hate it more.
I get more of my own hate energy back at myself.

My feelings of disgust, and revulsion come back at me.

I've met people who immigrated to a new country and yet they keep longing for and talking about the old country. Everything in the old country is wonderful and everything in the new country is bad, they can't see any good. They are having trouble adjusting to the new place. They recreate a mini version of the old country in the new one. Their children gradually move into the new country.

I have been very much like that.

For a long time I did not accept my new country, i.e. the physical world. Or I would only accept it on my terms, or only bits of it. I've accepted it more, but  I'm not sure I've accepted it totally.
I still rave about how nice the old country is, and I pour shit on how bad the physical world is, how we had it sooooo muuuuuch better in the world of spirit etc... blah blah ... I think you get the idea. I have looked down on the physical world (because I'm so superior, i.e. spiritual - how ironic, it proves the opposite :-). 

I've talked about moving from the world of spirit to the world of the physical.
Birth is the biggest move to the physical world of matter. Death is the biggest move back home. It is the birth back into the world of spirit.... laden with a shopping bag of experiences and wisdom....

But once I'm born then what ? is there still any moving between countries?
Yes.

An immigrant to a new country has to buy a plane ticket to go 'home' to the old country.

But for me to go 'home' I can simply visit the old country of spirit any time. All it takes is intent and awareness. The methods differ for different people, for me the way 'home' is, solitude, quietness, space, a good cup of tea, meditation, writing (things like this on my computer.... ) ....

So for me moving from one world to the other is not a physical thing anymore, it is a thing of intent and perception. Well not entirely, travelling in the physical helps a lot and lends it a real power.
But even then,  it is still a thing of awareness.


So HOW does one do that 'awareness' thing ?
I can only reply in the words of Juan Matus (Carlos Castaneda) "One intends by intending." and I would add:  "One sees by seeing.
One wants by wanting."
The way for each person is unique and different.


There are physical ways to go 'home' as well. Alcohol, drugs, danger, etc... can be used as pathways get a glimpse of 'home'. The glimpse is genuine, the price for the trip is very high.
In the old days, when the world of spirit and physical were closer, and even overlapping everyone would naturally go 'home' to spirit to rest by simply shifting their awareness. Nowadays we have lost that ability.

We rely a lot on physical things. I believe that going home for a rest, and for a look and a visit is our birthright. We do it in sleep at the very least. It is not the going that it problem is the method and the price of going that can be difficult.

Figure1: The spirit and physical worlds only barely touch in our times.

Figure2: The spirit and physical worlds overlapped in ancient times. They will do so again one day... .


All this might sound a little abstract.

So far I've only set the scene to what I want to talk about.

Let me get personal: Deep inside myself I have always resented being in this country of the physical, it was rough, scary, barbarian and uncouth. It was not how I did things back 'home' (yes, this can be one of the blessings and curses of remembering 'home' too well. :-P )
I dimly remember having tried all sorts of other escapes from this country of the physical in other lives, including a self induced exit, and the usual methods of alcohol etc....
I was born with the clear memory that those methods don't work.
But still I was pissed off at being "...here AGAIN dammit !".
I was NOT impressed, scared and obstinate. 

I would let no one FORCE me to LIKE it here.
No one would be able to MAKE me LIKE it here.

I missed my 'HOME' !
What the hell was I doing here anyway ?

I got into a power struggle with life.
I sulked.
I would not cooperate,
I would do the absolute minimum and that was all.

Passive protest.
Passive aggression.
And add to that a good dose of fear.

Oh sure, I did what I HAD to do. To an outsider it looked like I did the right things. I tried hard etc.... well yes sort of but not really.

And I remembered vaguely a few things that from the last time I had visited the country to the physical. Old battle wounds itched and hurt.
What the f**** was I doing here once again ?


One of the  things that persuaded me to change was a very simple and powerful realization:


- 'if that is what you want, ok you can have it!'

(That was the realization)

My response was:
Huh? what ?

- you heard me, if you want a half lived life of resentment and fighting life, go for it. It's your's.
What, you won't force me ?


- We've never forced you.
Yes you did !


- No, we never did.
Then why the hell am I here ?

- you chose this.
I didn't not really.

- .........silence ...............
Ok I guess on some level I did.

- Yes on 'some level' you did.
But not all of me.

- no, not all of you.
So what am I doing here ?

- to make it ALL of you.
Really ?

- really.
what if i don't.

-  then you don't :-)
oh.

- ...........................
I can't imagine ever getting to the point where I really LIKE it here.

- it's not a matter of liking, its a matter of resentment.
oh.
And once I don't resent it, I'll like it I guess.

- find out. he he he
why ?

- why not ?
hey !

- Ok, ok. Without that lesson well learned inside you, you would not be ready for the greater dose of joy and light that waits after that.
huh? greater joy ?
since when does it take strength to have joy ?

- since always. It always has.
hm.... that's a new one.

- Everything is in a tension of opposites. Peace and harmony too take strength, they are not the absence of war or conflict but they are the power to hold and weave warring energies that would otherwise cause destruction. Weaving them together to create peace and harmony is the task of the warrior.

The writing above was triggered by a experience I had at work once:

I had a flu on a Sunday, painful, my hair hurt, every move hurt.
The next few days at work I overworked then had to take it really gently.
I felt delicate and fragile by the middle of the week.
I simply had no energy to do anything but the basics and just what I had to do. I did it.
I had to enter data from a laboratory, answer emails, deal with people who asked lots of complicated questions, silly questions etc....
     Then something different happened.

     I didn't worry about what else I COULD be doing, or perhaps SHOULD be doing. I just decided that right now this thing I was doing was the right and best thing to do at this moment.
I no longer had the feeling of resentment at the thing I was doing.
I no longer distracted myself from what I had to do, or ran away into other tasks to avoid the ones I didn't want to face. I just did it.
I felt no annoyance.

Then I realized: that most of my life I had done things that I didn't really WANT to do. 
When I had to enter the laboratory data I'd usually resent the menialness of the job. I thought:
" What was I doing such boring work for ? 
It was below me.
I should be doing much more "important" things. " and I would try to get it done as fast as possible to make it disappear as fast as I could.

This was the attitude to many things in my life. I was always trying to make things dissappear to get to the nice bits... and I didn't really ever get there... .

But it took computer work to really show it to me.
Ever since I started working with computers in the 1990's I've found them hard to sit in front of for too long. Pain  irritation, etc....
It wasn't till a friend suggested they might be reflecting back my own energies that the penny dropped....ahhh I see !

So when I simply accepted those menial tasks, I found: no problem from computer work. I didn't even feel irritated or annoyed. I could do more hours and still feel fine after wards.
The only thing I had changed was my resentment.

Chapter 1: Circles of growth

Drawings on my experience of working with energy: 


What I send out comes back to me, quite literally, - my reaction is reflected back at me. If I then react the same way then this too is reflected back to  me and so on.
That way the energy grows quite fast and very strong.
Examples of this are:
- computer work
- writing
- family,
in short: anything that I pour my energy into intensely will send that energy back at me.
Energy sent back at me gives me a choice:
I can see it as energy separate from myself and fight with it. I can perceive it as 'other and alien' and push against it.
Or
I can look deeper and see that the source of that energy is truly from myself.
It has MY unique character imprinted into it.
All I am doing is seeing myself.
Life becomes a mirror.
I can fight within myself or I can accept.

If I accept then what was once an impenetrable mirror wall of silver becomes an open doorway.
(see George MacDonald's Fairy Tales for the idea of the silver reflecting bubble within which a person is enclosed. It describes the psychic reality of this very well.

Above figure: The white ring is the area the person can easily deal with.

The orange middle ring is the ring of current issues to deal with. The area of transition and change and growth

The faint ring on the outside is the next level of growth waiting to be dealt with.

Above figure: Energy is reflected back at the person sending it.

Above figure: Growth process, only a little of  the energy used in  growth is reflected back at the orange ring level.  The orange middle ring is the ring of current issues to deal with. The area of transition and change and growth

More on how energy given out can reflect back on the person sending it here:  http://heikorudolph.com/opinions/computerhumaninteractions.htm
It's a discussion about how computers can reflect back the energies at the person who sends it.

The same principle holds for anything into which a person pours a lot of their energy.

From the master's memoirs and letters: 15May10

Ghost in the Shell 1101010100100010101010100101

On the Hard disk of a computer all data is a simply 1's and 0's (one's and zero's).

10100101010010010001 000111110101010101011110101 01001010010101001010 10010100101110100
0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111 0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111
01001010010 1010010101 0010100101110100
0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111 0100 1000 0011
010010100101010010 1010010100101110100
0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111 0100 1000 0011

Patterns like these are all you would see if you examined the structure directly.
It would look random, and for all intents and purposes it WOULD be random.


For our human minds to get a grip on those 1's and 0's we take blocks of them and give them a label.
The letter 'H' is given the number 72 which in binary format looks like: 1001000
A computer has no trouble reading 1001000 in fact that is the only way it reads anything.
If I was going to write the world 'Hello' this would look like:

H = 72 = 0100 1000
e = 101 = 0011 0101
l = 108 = 0110 1100
l = 108 = 0110 1100
o = 111 = 0110 1111

or a string like this:
0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111 without the spaces.

More on the way characters are translated into binary codes using ASCII codes here and here.

On a Hard Disk there are millions, billions of 1's and 0's.

Some of the 1's and 0's are designated as the heading of file, other 1's and 0's are the content.
Some 1's and 0's are part of a binary executable file and get put into a microprocessor which acts in certain ways, depending on the pattern of 1's and 0's.
The contents you are reading now, are 1's and 0's on a computer somewhere and they are controlled by other 1's and 0's which in turn depend on other 1's and 0's and so on. Somewhere along this chain the computer waits for my fingers to touch the keyboard and tell it which of the available keys I want to add. You in turn read this, and either continue or decide to move on in search of whatever drives you....

I in turn have an idea, vague and unformed and fuzzy that I want to put out onto this blog. I type, I read, I check if the things I read and see in in black and white on the screen are what I really FEEL I want to say, if they hit the heart of my idea. And this process continues until I say "ok this will do, given the time and energy I have available, this will get the message across".

So far, this is all pretty standard computer engineering and IT stuff.
So what is the point of this article ?

The point is this: - The framework of interpretation determines if the patterns of 1's and 0's I see are meaningful or not.
In other words: the framework of interpretation overlaid onto the data is what releases the meaning, it decodes the information.
And here is the KEY point: That framework is not material it is an intangible, idea.
That framework is an agreement between a large group of people to do things in a certain way. But the agreement is not a material thing. Sure it can be written down, in words but that is simply the agreement written in an agreed form.

The framework of interpretation is what I call the 'spirit'.
The framework of interpretation is the 'ghost in the shell' to use the title of the popular Graphic Novel by Masamune Shirow.

Going back to our example: the pattern of 1's and 0's above would only represent the word 'Hello' if the computer I used, also followed the same system, used the same codes for the letters.
And if it the computer I used read the codes in EXACTLY the same way it was encoded.

If you take the same string of 1's and 0's as for 'Hello'
0100 1000 0011 0101 0110 1100 0110 1100 0110 1111
and you decide (by accident or purpose) to interpret the codes by leaving out the first '0', you would get totally different result. You would get:
1001 0000 0110 1010 1101 1000 1101 1000 1101 111
and if you interpreted that using the same ASCII tables you would get:
144 = a strange character of ' E ' with an accent on top, depending on what system you use.
173 = upside down exlamation mark ' ! '
..... you get the idea.... gobble digook....

Or if you decided to read the 1's and 0's in blocks of 5 or in blocks of 6 you would get a totally different result.
It would be the "wrong" result in the sense that it was not the same system as was agreed to, but in another sense it would simply be another interpretation, useful or not depending on the viewer.


Taking this a step further:

Even the idea of calling information on a Hard Drive 1's and 0's is an abstraction and an interpretation. The actual information on a Hard Drive is in terms of magnetic orientation of tiny particles that are interpreted as a logic ONE or ZERO. There is a framework of interpretation agreed to by the manufacturers that says: "if the magnetic particle is this and that, we'll call it a '1', if not then we'll call it a '0'.

Reality is at every point intimately entwined with spirit, with interpretation, with meaning.

What is really out there ????

That is a matter of how you set your perceptions...... Carlos Castaneda, the mystics of the ages, the Sages, and the religions all offer different schema of interpreting the pattern of 1's and 0's that make up life....

And at this point the analogy with computers breaks down.
The codes for representing letters of the alphabet were chosen arbitrarily ('H' = 72 = 0100 1000).
Yet the reality of life seems to me to point to a commonality and a common reality underlying the mulifaceted physical world.
The code of interpreting life on that level seems to be more in the direction of love, caring, respect, honour....
Yet that deeper underlying reality cannot be expressed in simple words (and even less so in complex words or creeds), it can however ---- be felt ! - it can be intuited.

For me: stories and myths of great numinous beauty do this.
Stories in which the codes of honour, love and respect create a picture of such beauty and longing that I KNOW that everything IS worth the price. I've tried to write my own (here), to capture some of that beauty, but the true masters are Lafcadio Hearn(& here) George MacDonald, JRR Tolkien....

What is more: those stories tell me that I am living inside one of those wonderful myths right now... As we all live in that story.... a story that is different for each of us, yet also a part of the GREAT STORY.

Once upon a time, in a small solar system at the edge of the Milky Way Galaxy there was a small planet on which living creatures dwelled......
......and so it goes on and on ....
......in a story that includes you, me, every creature and rock and leaf... in a meaning and purpose so grand if we could see it it would blind us.... and so we take tiny microscopic bits of it and chew on those, argue about those bits.... until our eyes can take a higher intensity and we see more, and more....

---o(O)o---

- [1] Lafcadio Hearn's (Koizumi Yakumo (1850-1904) )short stories, my favourites, most beautiful here.
- and more here: Glimpses of the Unfamiliar
- Biography of Lafacadio Hearn here.

Knights of Heart

-o(O)o-


Knights of the heart.

A long time ago, in a city full of people, there lived a boy who could feel the thoughts of others.
He knew what they were thinking in their heart.
The words people said to him meant little to him.
“Hello young man, how are you today, so nice to see you”, the shopkeeper smiled at him.
“You mean: ‘I hope this little bastard buys something today and doesn’t just look and touch everything’ ”, the boy replied.
He looked at the man, “Don’t you?”.

And the boy found that people did not like to know the truth.
They did not like it when he told them what he saw.
They wanted him to believe what they said, even if they did not believe it themselves.
As he grew up the boy found that the world was a game of make believe.
Everyone thought they were fooling everyone else.
“You are but fooling yourselves”, he told them.
“How dare you insult us and think such things ?”

And thus the boy learnt that he could not believe the words of his fellow humans.
He realized that they hid the truth even from themselves.
The people wanted to believe their own words rather than feel the true thoughts of their hearts.
And believing their own words they acted on them.
And acting on them they wondered why they became unhappy.
Their lives became difficult and confusing.
So they asked their clever men to help them. The clever men brewed up strange concoctions that made people forget who they were and what they wanted and allowed them to feel happy for a time.
The clever men said they only did this to make people happy.
But hiding the truth from themselves they found only pain.
So the people asked to be free of pain.
And the clever men brewed and built special foods that made the people forget their pain – but they also forgot their reason for living.
And forgetting their reasons for living they fought amongst themselves. They killed each other and the plants of the Earth.

And so it was that in those days, the truth of men’s hearts became more and more precious and only a few warriors of the heart had the courage to look into its face.
And of those few, only those brave enough to enter the flames of truth found the sweetness of truth returned unto them.

-o(O)o-

Living in the city, the boy felt great pain. He felt alone even in the city of millions.
One evening at sunset, the boy quietly left the city of men and went to live in a cave by the sea.

Sometimes visitors would come to visit the boy in his cave.
“You are very lucky to live here”, they would tell him.
The boy only shook his head.
“I live her because I cannot live in the city of millions of men”, he said. “to be honest I am also running away,” and he looked sad.

Once a rich man came to visit him.
“What is truth ?”, his visitor asked him.
“Truth is like money: you may borrow some and use it. But you must pay back with more of what you took.”
“I must pay back”
The boy nodded.
“What if I do not? “
“ The light of truth should increase”, the boy replied.
“What if I do not? “
“Pain.”
“Why is this so ?”
“I do not know. It is.”
“I do not believe you”.
The boy walked away.

One year later the rich man came back to see him.
“Why are you here?”, the boy asked him.
“Pain”.
“Ah... yes. The compass to truth beeth pain”, the boy sighed and he asked the rich man to sit down and share a cup of hot tea with him.
They did not speak again that day, but only drank tea.

The next day the rich man said:
“I have asked the clever men in my employ to find more truth, and they did. But I have only earned more pain in my heart. - Why ?”.
The boy saw that the man’s question came from his heart.
“You have borrowed from truth again and again. But to multiply truth is not the same as paying it back”, the boy smiled because he knew the rich man understood this language well.
“You have not yet paid back and you have not even paid interest”.
“How do I pay back truth ?”, the rich man asked.
“If I borrow the fire from a candle, how do I pay back its light ?”
“By lighting other candles”, his visitor said.
The boy smiled and sipped his tea.

“I will go and tell this truth to my fellow men. I will start a great movement of truth”
The boy shook his head.
“No, the truth of the heart cannot be given or forced onto another, it must be chosen freely by each man. The battles beeth in thine own heart. Many will offer thee ‘shortcuts’ to bypass this battle. In truth they beeth only shortcuts to greater pain.” The boy shook his head.
He felt tired and sad.
“Each man is called freely to be a warrior of the heart, though few are chosen”, he smiled at his visitor.
“Someone said this a long time ago”.
“Indeed”, he boy bowed in acknowledgement.

One more year passed and the rich man returned again to visit the boy by the sea.
“Thank thee for thine words”, he said, “I have found peace in mine heart”.
“Tell me”, the boy poured a cup of hot tea for his visitor.
“I have found the secret in lighting other candles”, the rich man said, and he told his true story that day, leaving nothing out.
In the evening the boy said:
“Thou hast truly become a Knight of the Order of the Heart. Arise Sir Knight”.

Thus was born the “Order of the Knights of the Heart”.

The rich man returned to the city and after one year he again came to see the boy by the sea.
“You have taught me well”, the rich man said to the boy.
“Thine heart hast taught thee”
“The secret I found and the peace I had has gone”, the rich man said.
“The truth of thine heart beeth not one thing. Like skins of an onion, it has many layers.” The boy replied.
“Thine visits have taught me much”, the boy said, “I thank thee for thine teaching.”
The boy took off his coat threw it in the fire and said: “I too, have run from the truth of mine heart. It is time for me to return”.

Then the rich man remained in the cave by the sea and the boy returned to the city of millions of men.
The boy became a man, took a different name and wrought great changes in the world.
But of this many many books are already written by others.
This beeth the chronicle of his beginnings.

-o(O)o-

29- 30Jun08 Princes Hill, Australia
Heiko Rudolph