Sunday, September 20, 2009

ordering myself around.... who is the real ME ?

I wondered at myself: what do *I* really want ? I am constantly trying to fit myself into a box,
a box to achieve this,
a box to achieve that,
a box to go to be to this, do that...
what do *i* really want ?

There is an executive authority inside myself, (as there is in society and all of organizations – the smaller reflects the greater and vice versa) that gives me orders and tries to make me walk a path but what does the real Haiko want ?

Today I'm off to do this n that  with her and himetc... , I need to do Mandala, I need to do Chi gong exercises, I need to run through this long list of stuff to do and I keep on adding to the list.
What do *i* really want ?

It is not an either OR, thing, it is a both AND thing.
It is possible to do the list AND to know who I am ...

Sometimes I get a look at myself, as though I was watching myself from the outside, in much the same way as I see other people. Then it comes to me:

“hey you are making this guy stay inside the house and type on a computer all day and rush around for deadlines. How long do you think someone is going to put up with that ?”

and ‘this guy’ of course is me.

Getting this perspective is good, it makes me see myself.

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