Happy-ness & Tantrums

2000 Vientiane Laos

When I'm not happy, I'm not happy. 

I want to be happy. 

I demand to be happy. 

I should be happy. 

Somebody should make me happy. 

They should give me what I want ! NOW !!!

All that really means is: 'I want to feel better'. 

How better ? 

Just better. 

You mean not like you feel now ? 

Yea, right. NOT how I feel right now. I want to feel nice, good, happy. 

Hm..... 

Hm.......

Hm..........

I realized that most of my unhappiness comes from demanding to NOT feel what I'm feeling right now. 

Often I don't even know what I'm feeling, I just don't want to know, I just want it all to go away - NOW !!!

90% of my unhappiness comes from NOT wanting to know. 

The "not wanting to know" is a bit too gentle. 

I "refuse to know" 

I demand that the feelings change NOW because I don't want to know what they are ! 

You demand ?

Hm..... 

Hm.......

Hm..........

I see. Is it a demand ? 

Yes, it is. I demand that the feeling change, that I don't have to feel it. 

That is 90% of the problem. 

The demand!

NOW !!!

Make the feeling go away, whatever it is, I want it to go away, NOW !!!

Then it hit me: I'm throwing a tantrum ! Wow !

Tantrums. 

Isn't that what children do ?

Stomping their feet, screaming and yelling. 

But I'm doing the same thing, in a mature, adult, sophisticated way. Not the childish obvious way. 

I tell myself its not a tantrum, its serious adult business. 

But when I'm honest: its a good old tantrum. 

Simple. 

When I feel grumpy, unhappy, pissed off, most of that is because of the tantrum, the demand  to feel better, NOW! instantly!

So what about the rest, the non-tantrum bits, the real feelings ?

I don't know, I've not really looked at them very much. 

I was too busy throwing a tantrum.

Be kind to yourself. 

Huh ? 

Be kind to yourself.

But I've just been throwing tantrums

Yea. So what ? 

That's not nice. 

So what ? 

I gotta punish myself. 

Which will make you more unhappy.

So what am I supposed to do ? I can't just let myself of  the hook that easily ? I'd never let a child get away with a tantrum. 

Be kind to yourself.

Just like that ? 

You don't have to. Your choice. Try it, you can always beat yourself up later if you don't like it.

Hm..... 

Hm.......

Hm..........