Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Happy-ness & Tantrums

2000 Vientiane Laos
When I'm not happy, I'm not happy. 
I want to be happy. 
I demand to be happy. 
I should be happy. 
Somebody should make me happy. 
They should give me what I want ! NOW !!!

All that really means is: 'I want to feel better'. 
How better ? 
Just better. 
You mean not like you feel now ? 
Yea, right. NOT how I feel right now. I want to feel nice, good, happy. 


I realized that most of my unhappiness comes from demanding to NOT feel what I'm feeling right now. 
Often I don't even know what I'm feeling, I just don't want to know, I just want it all to go away - NOW !!!

90% of my unhappiness comes from NOT wanting to know. 
The "not wanting to know" is a bit too gentle. 
I "refuse to know" 
I demand that the feelings change NOW because I don't want to know what they are ! 
You demand ?

I see. Is it a demand ? 
Yes, it is. I demand that the feeling change, that I don't have to feel it. 
That is 90% of the problem. 
The demand!
NOW !!!
Make the feeling go away, whatever it is, I want it to go away, NOW !!!

Then it hit me: I'm throwing a tantrum ! Wow !
Isn't that what children do ?
Stomping their feet, screaming and yelling. 
But I'm doing the same thing, in a mature, adult, sophisticated way. Not the childish obvious way. 
I tell myself its not a tantrum, its serious adult business. 
But when I'm honest: its a good old tantrum. 

When I feel grumpy, unhappy, pissed off, most of that is because of the tantrum, the demand  to feel better, NOW! instantly!
So what about the rest, the non-tantrum bits, the real feelings ?
I don't know, I've not really looked at them very much. 
I was too busy throwing a tantrum.

Be kind to yourself. 
Huh ? 
Be kind to yourself.
But I've just been throwing tantrums
Yea. So what ? 
That's not nice. 
So what ? 
I gotta punish myself. 
Which will make you more unhappy.
So what am I supposed to do ? I can't just let myself of  the hook that easily ? I'd never let a child get away with a tantrum. 
Be kind to yourself.
Just like that ? 
You don't have to. Your choice. Try it, you can always beat yourself up later if you don't like it.


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