I'll take it out in hate....- self love

As a younger dog, when I read about self love,  I called it "self LeeeeeRrrrrrVE" in my mind.

It was an unmanly, wimpish, stupid idea.

I had images of someone hugging himself... and that really turned me off.

For god's sake, get a grip man.

"self love ?" uuuggghhhhh ................ let's change the topic.

I asked my father,
I said, "Father change my name."
The one I'm using now it's covered up
with fear and filth and cowardice and shame.
Yes and lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover 

come back to me,
yes and lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover, lover 

come back to me.

He said, "I locked you in this body,
I meant it as a kind of trial.
You can use it for a weapon,
or to make some woman smile."

-Leonard Cohen "Lover Lover Lover"

Then one day I realized,

my life was not really working

I was miserable, grumpy, and snarled at the world, getting angry at small things.

why ?

I hated myself.

I hated what I had done.

I hated who I had become. 

I hated the choices I'd made and wished I'd not made them.

I hated myself for that. What an idiot I had been do xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx and yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

That's not me, that's just plain stupid, weak, low, morally low behaviour, especially yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

So I got stricter with myself, I had to make it up,

I had to do better.

I didn't.

I added zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to my list of stupid despicable things.

Then the dislike really started.

Being a red blooded (wimpy) man, I didn't realize that I disliked myself.

I just didn't see any good in anything around me,

I criticized everything.

I found fault with everything,

I dumped my anger on the bureaucracy I worked in,

the inefficient stupid system we all worked in .....yada yada. yada....  you get the idea I'm sure.

I ate and ate and ate,
no I did not miss a plate, well
How much do these suppers cost?
We'll take it out in hate.

I spent my hatred everyplace,
on every work on every face,
someone gave me wishes
and I wished for an embrace.

Several girls embraced me, then
I was embraced by men,
Is my passion perfect?
No, do it once again.
  - Leonard Cohen;  "Teachers"

After a few years (yes years, actually make that a decade) I finally twigged.

"Oh, you mean I don't like myself ?"

Hm... I think that is it.

I never realized that self hate does not come with a yellow post-it note stuck on it saying "Hi there this is self-hate" 

Ok nice.
So  now what ?

I took the first tottering steps to self love (uuuughhhh even writing it like this still makes me cringe)

I'm too embarrassed to say more.

But I know in my guts this is the way forward.

only forgiveness works, which is really: 

self love.

not because of any excuse,

not because of any rational reason,

just because of love for self.

simple and as hard as that.

so simple.

so damn hard.

and very real.

Yesterday I wrote this bit below, someone who had done something they considered bad, but it was really written to myself:

in such situations,

you might might give yourself a hard time, taking things out in self-hate and self punishment and pain to make up for what you did.

It won't work of course.

only forgiveness works.

self love.

not because of any excuse,

not because of any rational reason,

just because of love for self.

as simple and as hard as that. 

I 'm still surprised at myself,

did I really write stuff like that ? 

such touchy feely stuff ?

Yes.