Tuesday, April 19, 2011

running from myself

Yangon/Rangoon 2010

Looking at myself I realize: I've been afraid of myself.
I have always looked or an outside  reason for the decisions I made.

"I'm doing this for ...........her, ..............him, .............because it is best......because it is RIGHT ....etc"
all those things are good reasons.
Those reasons are good enough to do things for. Most of our lives are based on those reasons.
e.g. STaying in a job to feed the family... is a " good " responsible thing... no doubt about it. I'm not saying I should NOT do it. It's good. There is a moral imperative. I don't have to face the deeper things. (There is still a question of faith,  trust, alternative jobs, facing things as a family etc... but lets leave that one aside for the moment)

What about true CHOICES, that are purely choices ?
I'm not talking about moral choices here. I'm talking about CHOICES where it is just MY choice. 
In those situations I still  look for reasons for what I do OUTSIDE of myself.
And I understand now: I am doing that because I'm scared of the strange feeling of total freedom to BE who I AM.
I am afraid to decide something simply because of who I AM.
No outside reasons.
No should's
No ought's
Just ME.
That is scary.

And liberating.

Mind demands a reason, a right and a wrong.
Mind demands a good and a bad.
I seek refuge in those things

But there is a part of me that does not demand any of those things.... . There is a part of me that wants to CHOOSE and BE simply because... simply becausee.... without a reason, simply because I CHOOSE.
No reason, Just because of who  I AM.
That is what I want to do, and what I have run from all my life....

I wonder WHAT that is ? It is a different energy. 
That pure BEing and choosing by who I AM is so scary because it is 
- un familiar
- a new way to BEing
- FEELS strange...

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