Monday, May 18, 2009

aguissettes - pain, peace, bliss.....

For years I went to bed really late  (still struggling with that....).  It put a mist of pain and lack of energy over everything,  my whole waking life was covered in mist of discomfort. Nothing major, not bid deal.

Yet I didn't have to do that. 
I blamed work, I blamed life, I blamed whatever.
But really I knew, it was just that I chose that way of living. 
Ok this is a mild example but it makes the point. 
When I was free of pain, free of obligation I wanted 'some action', when I had action, I wanted peace. 
I remember times when I was totally ok, no physical pains, no huge obligations, nothing terrible looming in my life. 
And what did I do ? I couldn't stant it, I had to something to create pain, drama, anything to fight against.

After half a century of this, one day I realized: "You know what Haiko ? THIS is IT NOW ! This IS your life NOW. Not in some distant future, not when I get the Nobel prize but now. 
Even if we take the best case, most optimistic outcome in your life:  Pretend I do get a Nobel prize, it will be a few hours of glory on a stage, then back to the hard work that got you there in the first place." 
Hm... then I realized that I kind of created my own drama and pain to a large degree, not totally but to a large degree. 
Hm.... now what ? 
Why is peace so hard to imagine ? So hard to take ? 
Because heaven is NOW, it IS the challenge of NOW, the key is: it is what I'm doing NOW, and what I'm feeling now. Do I reject the moment ? or do I savour it ? 

One day I will look back on a time when I was healthy, strong and able to do things, run around, watch movies, vist friends, travel the world, and I'll wonder: did I really appreciate that time ?
Or was I not happy because I didn't have ....the promotion I thought I deserved, ....or because X was nasty to me .... or because .... I had been insulted/unappreciated/taken for granted etc.... etc... ?

the moment that  I will look back on is NOW, is the NOW as I write this. 
Do I accept this moment ? or do I reject it ? 
I eat some some sweets, I wolf them down. Do I honour them by appreciting them, or do I want more, as I shovel them in ? 
I wrote this the other day:
We like to punish ourselves, we need to pay a price...
if we don't let ourselves pay then our body pays, in illness.
better to pay consciously...
There seems to be some way in which I (& we=humans)  need to pay a price. If I have it too easy or if deep down I feel the things I have now are not fully paid for, I don't deserve them, then I will make myself pay. 
I don't think I have to convince myself that I deserve them, that does not work for me, I need to feel I have earned them, in honour and in truth, I have earned them. 
Do I reach that feeling ? Rarely. Not as often as I would like. 
But when I do, it feels like nothing else on earth. Then I KNOW in every cell of my body that I am in the right place and time and doing the thing I was born to do. 
But as I said, it happened all too rarely. 
But from those thoughts above, over the years, I realized I need to FEEL that I truly deserve what I am being given, what I have. 
If only my mind convinces itself then it does not work, I have to also truly FEEL it and KNOW it - then it works. 

--> Something else  that got me thinking along those lines: 
When I type on a computer I often cross my legs in such a way that one leg feels real pain, or falls asleep. I somehow balance the action of typing with inflicting pain on myself. 
(Ok, granted, this is not a dramatic example, but the idea is there.)

What makes me do that ?  I don't think about it, I just do it, in fact I have to consciously force myself NOT to do it. 
I guess it might be to balance the weight of whatever I'm doing, the typing, the irritation I feel ? It could be, I don't know. 
Or it might be the equivalent of huffing and puffing on another level ? 
Who knows. 
But it is interesting to note that we all do things to ourselves that cause pain, discomfort. We don't really ONLY go for pleasure. 

And again to myself it seems that we have some balance mechanism inside us.  If I don't EARN my bliss honestly, that is if I don't believe I truly deserve it, I will have to pay for it somehow. 
Too much niceness, and I can't handle it. I have to be able to stand the intensity of beauty, the brightness of the glory and joy, if I can't I'll dull things down to a level of brightness which I CAN stand and at which I am comfortable.
My mind might not like that level, but some deeper part of me does. 

As an excercise: would I feel comfortable having a large house in a posh subburb driving a car worth more than a years gross salary, with Phillipino maids and a gardner ? Well my mind thinks I would be ok with that, but my gut tells me no way Hose.

All this brings me to another topic: why is 'niceness' portayed so boringly and why is 'naughtyness' portayed so adventurously ? Pirates, spies, crime, etc... seem alluring in popular culture. Why ? What makes them so ?


From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

In Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Legacy novels, an anguissette is one of Kushiel's chosen mortals, picked to "balance the scales" against those who impart suffering without compassion. Anguisettes feel pain and pleasure as one. Additionally, the wounds of those who bear Kushiel's Dart always heal clean.

Those who have been chosen by Kushiel have a scarlet mote in the iris of one eye, referred to poetically as Kushiel's Dart.
Mighty Kushiel of rod and weal
Late of the brazen Portals
With blood-tipp'd dart a wound unhealed
Pricks the eyen of chosen mortals.

In the book "Kushiel's Dart" p 291 by Jacqueline Carey,
Phedre deliberately takes a brutal assignation she needs that, it suits her mood. It is something we all do.

No comments:

Post a Comment