being a "good dog" this bit below is a real key step for me the light comes on ! duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I get it. now I see why i've been so rebellious all my life. why I've sabottaged myself in different ways....
QUESTION::: I want so much to be more loving, yet I can't seem to will
it to be so. I want to not have all of the anger, nasty thoughts that
pass through my mind, yet I can't seem to will it to be so. What shall I
ANSWER:: What you shall do is to cease the willing and
embrace the anger. To be loving must mean to be loving to self. It can
never mean to be loving to others, until you are loving to self. To say
to yourself 'you MUST not be angry', you MUST not be unloving', how can
you then love ? It is commanding the heart to be open. Hearts
do not open on command. It is instructing the child to 'behave' and the
child is attempting to behave. But when one says to the child 'be loving
!' that is impossible. One can say to the child 'act loving' and all of
you know how to do that. And that is where the difference is and that
it why it is so difficult for you. You are saying 'be loving !'. You cannot.
Not until you say to yourself, with all the love that you possess,
'it's all right for me not to be loving', 'I will love myself in my
unlovingness'. To say that and to truly mean it, will open your heart.
But to DEMAND that you be, or become that is not a loving thing to do to
yourself. Can you not see that these feelings of unlovingness
stand upon your history, stand upon your pain. These feelings of
unlovingness are your protectors, or so it has seemed to the child. The
child says, "NO I WILL NOT BE LOVING, I WILL NOT LOVE !" Good for the child.
If the child believes it must love on command, much is lost. The
child's integrity is lost, The child's capacity to know itself is lost.
There is nothing but a puppet and that is not a human being, that is not
a god. Love yourself in your unwillingness to love, and go back
in your history to find the very young you, and sit with that young you,
and hold dialogue. And ask that young you, 'why do you not want to be loving ?' and allow the answer to come. You will find deep respect for yourself, and the moment that that takes place, you will be loving. - From: Emmanuel.
Alan Watts says the same thing, how one cannot command a state of Being e.g. love.