the real ME

Nothing of what I own will remain as part of ME
nothing of my head knowledge is really ME.
None of my memory is really ME, (I use it, like I use a database on a computer)
but - it is something outside of ME,
and not even the insights I have in life are ME, they are stuff along the way I discover.


I got sick of trying to accumulate stuff (physical, stuff, knowledge, spiritual stuff), hoping it would change ME, it never will.

The only way I see to really really take things with me,  
is to take the truths I find and become them, live them, make them ME.
BE inside them.
As long as I know them in my mind I am outside them.
I need to be, I want to BE INSIDE THEM.

For example: I touch the deep insights I gathered in my travels. I enter them briefly in what I call my mandala by remembering them. 
I do the rounds of them. but I don't LIVE THEM. 
I feel them for an instant.
Like a miser with his gold hoard, I count my gold coins, feel them then put them back into the chest.  

but in reality: what I want is to LIVE those truths, 
BE them, let them be a part of ME.

So now I understand that I have been seeking myself, my core being in the temple.
I didn't ever put into such words and when I heard the words that I was seeking the core temple of my being, it made me think:
"what ? lill' ole' me looking for something as grand as the Temple of Being ? git outta dere..."
but I see now how I've been looking for that for a loooooooooong time.
ah........

The problems of words and labels...........

Your inner experience is holy.
Why then do you look into the eyes of others
who hold their own inner self in question
and ask them "Will you please tell me who I am ?"
They cannot even know you.
How can you give them the power
to cancel or amend you?

        -Emmanuel book 2 p67

 

“Well done”, he said, "it is good to stand against the darkness, yet sometimes we must even stand against the light in order to find our true selves.” 

              from "Shadows & Illusions  -  conversations with Master Serapian" Bk3 p37, 

The real ME - the image of me

Madam, I have a story.

Go on.

All my life I have tried to be something I am not.
What I was, was not acceptable. How did I come to believe it was not acceptable ? Well it was not acceptable to the way things were organized in the world, and my feeling and ways of behaving had to be pruned to fit the world, the civilization, the social world I had been born into.

That is normal. Everyone is pruned, and everyone feels they are not acceptable.

Part of the path ?

Yes.

Does it have to be this way ?

I don't know but it has been for you.

I can feel the real ME deep down. And there is a tension between the real ME and the me I pretend I am, the me I try to make myself into. The pain in my body, the illnesses, are the result of that tension. I can blame society and outside factors, but really it is all within me. Between me and ME. Everything else is just an excuse. I feel tension now, but I know, it is my deeper self talking to me.
I'm learning how to listen to that language.

You are welcome.