Music, life and 'getting there'

When I get too serious about life I remind myself of this bit about Music & life.
 

Feb2011 Saigon

 Thanks to Alan Watts

aguissettes - pain, peace, bliss.....

For years I went to bed really late  (still struggling with that....).  It put a mist of pain and lack of energy over everything,  my whole waking life was covered in mist of discomfort. Nothing major, not bid deal.

Yet I didn't have to do that. 

I blamed work, I blamed life, I blamed whatever.

But really I knew, it was just that I chose that way of living. 

Ok this is a mild example but it makes the point. 

When I was free of pain, free of obligation I wanted 'some action', when I had action, I wanted peace. 

I remember times when I was totally ok, no physical pains, no huge obligations, nothing terrible looming in my life. 

And what did I do ? I couldn't stant it, I had to something to create pain, drama, anything to fight against.

After half a century of this, one day I realized: "You know what Haiko ? THIS is IT NOW ! This IS your life NOW. Not in some distant future, not when I get the Nobel prize but now. 

Even if we take the best case, most optimistic outcome in your life:  Pretend I do get a Nobel prize, it will be a few hours of glory on a stage, then back to the hard work that got you there in the first place." 

Hm... then I realized that I kind of created my own drama and pain to a large degree, not totally but to a large degree. 

Hm.... now what ? 

Why is peace so hard to imagine ? So hard to take ? 

Because heaven is NOW, it IS the challenge of NOW, the key is: it is what I'm doing NOW, and what I'm feeling now. Do I reject the moment ? or do I savour it ? 

One day I will look back on a time when I was healthy, strong and able to do things, run around, watch movies, vist friends, travel the world, and I'll wonder: did I really appreciate that time ?

Or was I not happy because I didn't have ....the promotion I thought I deserved, ....or because X was nasty to me .... or because .... I had been insulted/unappreciated/taken for granted etc.... etc... ?

Hm... 

the moment that  I will look back on is NOW, is the NOW as I write this. 

Do I accept this moment ? or do I reject it ? 

I eat some some sweets, I wolf them down. Do I honour them by appreciting them, or do I want more, as I shovel them in ? 

                                    ---o(O)o--- 

I wrote this the other day:

We like to punish ourselves, we need to pay a price...

if we don't let ourselves pay then our body pays, in illness.

better to pay consciously...

There seems to be some way in which I (& we=humans)  need to pay a price. If I have it too easy or if deep down I feel the things I have now are not fully paid for, I don't deserve them, then I will make myself pay. 

I don't think I have to convince myself that I deserve them, that does not work for me, I need to feel I have earned them, in honour and in truth, I have earned them. 

Do I reach that feeling ? Rarely. Not as often as I would like. 

But when I do, it feels like nothing else on earth. Then I KNOW in every cell of my body that I am in the right place and time and doing the thing I was born to do. 

But as I said, it happened all too rarely. 

But from those thoughts above, over the years, I realized I need to FEEL that I truly deserve what I am being given, what I have. 

If only my mind convinces itself then it does not work, I have to also truly FEEL it and KNOW it - then it works. 

--> Something else  that got me thinking along those lines: 
When I type on a computer I often cross my legs in such a way that one leg feels real pain, or falls asleep. I somehow balance the action of typing with inflicting pain on myself. 
(Ok, granted, this is not a dramatic example, but the idea is there.)

What makes me do that ?  I don't think about it, I just do it, in fact I have to consciously force myself NOT to do it. 
I guess it might be to balance the weight of whatever I'm doing, the typing, the irritation I feel ? It could be, I don't know. 
Or it might be the equivalent of huffing and puffing on another level ? 
Who knows. 
But it is interesting to note that we all do things to ourselves that cause pain, discomfort. We don't really ONLY go for pleasure. 


And again to myself it seems that we have some balance mechanism inside us.  If I don't EARN my bliss honestly, that is if I don't believe I truly deserve it, I will have to pay for it somehow. 
Too much niceness, and I can't handle it. I have to be able to stand the intensity of beauty, the brightness of the glory and joy, if I can't I'll dull things down to a level of brightness which I CAN stand and at which I am comfortable.
My mind might not like that level, but some deeper part of me does. 


As an excercise: would I feel comfortable having a large house in a posh subburb driving a car worth more than a years gross salary, with Phillipino maids and a gardner ? Well my mind thinks I would be ok with that, but my gut tells me no way Hose.

All this brings me to another topic: why is 'niceness' portayed so boringly and why is 'naughtyness' portayed so adventurously ? Pirates, spies, crime, etc... seem alluring in popular culture. Why ? What makes them so ?

References:

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anguissette

In Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel's Legacy novels, an anguissette is one of Kushiel's chosen mortals, picked to "balance the scales" against those who impart suffering without compassion. Anguisettes feel pain and pleasure as one. Additionally, the wounds of those who bear Kushiel's Dart always heal clean.

Those who have been chosen by Kushiel have a scarlet mote in the iris of one eye, referred to poetically as Kushiel's Dart.

Mighty Kushiel of rod and weal
Late of the brazen Portals
With blood-tipp'd dart a wound unhealed
Pricks the eyen of chosen mortals.

and more at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Algolagnia

In the book "Kushiel's Dart" p 291 by Jacqueline Carey,

Phedre deliberately takes a brutal assignation she needs that, it suits her mood. It is something we all do.

intent - moment by moment intent - frustration VS acceptance

---o(O)o---

This quote below, got me thinking and putting my thoughts about 'intent' into words.

"The flexibility of relaxing into what is, even if what is at the moment is not what you want, must ultimately bring you what you want -- first of all by giving you a good feeling about yourself and also by being in harmony with the cosmic soul movement within your psyche. Later, also, the thing you want will come, must come, as a matter of course, following the law of cause and effect. This is the climate which is essential in order to establish the inner knowledge that all fulfillment is potentially yours and can actually be yours through your knowing this."

Pathwork Lecture 149 "Cosmic Pull Toward Union -- Frustration.

I noticed the direction of my intent when I sat quietly and honestly looked at myself. I realized I was running away most of my life. Most of the time I was 'disliking' things. I felt justified in this, because I knew that there was more to life, and that life as I had it now, with all the hassles and ups and down was not the full story. I felt something like the quote below:

"You know deep within yourself that life cannot possibly be merely what you experience from day to day, it cannot merely be what it is at the moment. And because of that, you strive away from the moment. And because of that, you lose the moment. And because of that, you lose the meaning of life, for every single fragment of a moment contains all of life. The struggle to discover the true self and the acceptance of the now are not mutually exclusive opposites. They are indeed
interdependent."
Pathwork Lecture 163 "Mind Activity and Mind Receptivity."

I didn't understand about the acceptance of the NOW. I felt kind of "imposed upon" by reality, and in a very subtle way tried to escape it all the time. Imposed upon by a reality that was not what I wanted, as and how I wanted it. Small kid stuff. Spirit facing physical reality stuff.

Of course form the outside I was just your average guy, I worked in a career, and have friends and relationships etc... and so on. I'm not fundamentally different to anyone else. But I started to notice that my basic intent was one of distaste. One of having to force myself to do what I did (i.e. just about everything) and disliking it.
There was a habitual guardedness and aversion to anyone and everything, oscillating with periods of intensely wanting and desiring something that was missing from my life. This is all normal stuff, everyone struggles with these things.

Once I noticed these attitudes I was surprised.
Then I remembered the few times in my life when I actually was at peace. And I was at peace when I just accepted things as they were, when I accepted the moment as it was.
Usually I rush around like a headless chook[1], I try to cram in more and more into every moment, e.g. I know I shouldn't check my email just now, I should just finish this article, but I'll "just quickly have a look" and as I look I feel this tension that I'm not doing what I truly want to do, that I'm 'running away' and so on and so on.... you get the idea (I hope).
More recently I've decided to constantly bring my attention back to the NOW, to this moment and to do what I deeply and truly feel is the best thing to do now and NOT to feel guilty that I'm doing it, or feeling I should be doing something else.
And you know what ? it feels REALLY GOOD ! I love it. But it is only for short periods right now, I tend to get caught up in the headless chook [2] act sooner or later.

Then I started a new way of being: I would simply observe my dislike of the moment, observe the dislike of things as they were right now, whether it was waiting for the traffic light to change, for the 'idiot' at the front to get a move on, or moving through the queue at the supermarket.
Sounds Zen Buddhist I know, but that's what I ended up doing.

And by intentionally letting myself accept the moment as it was, I was able to drop the frustration - sometimes :-)
I'm not an expert by any means, and I doubt anyone would notice a difference in my daily life, but I notice a modest difference.

---o(O)o---

I guess one other factor helped me to come this realization: Time.
I'm not getting younger.
One day I will not exist on the physical level.
I keep putting things off into the future.
But I've been doing this for decades... years n years... postponing the time when I'll have all my s**** together and allow myself to be truly happy and at a peace....
Guess what ?
If I keep going like that then that time will NEVER come.
That time is right NOW !
I know this is all basic truths stuff. But the difference is when I really FELT it. It hit home.
Just took half a century or so :-P

I realize that this is life. I realize I have a working body and mind, and I better appreciate it now while I have it. I've seen colleagues and friends lose their mobility, get sick, pass over, and that is the way we all exit one day (unless you are Carlos Castaneda afficionado-master?).
So yes, I find being alive is a thrill in itself, I don't need a lot of money (but I would enjoy it and will work for it gently), I don't need a lot of thrills, because compared to being alive, conscious THIS moment these things are just icing on the cake.

Sure, I forget this stuff all the time. And then I remind myself. But I don't beat myself up when I forget (well not as much as I used to ha ha :-) ).

So then what have I got ?

• On one hand: an awareness of how I have sent out an intent of distaste to life.
• On the the other hand I realize NOW is the moment to appreciate life..

I then combine these two things (using story [4]) and aim my intent towards as sense of adventure, enjoying the moment right now.
It's hard work.
But really nice when it works.
Until I lose it, then have to regroup and go for it again... n' again....n' again.....


Intent is a force:
it is a force that operates all the time. It cannot be put into words. But like gravity or a magnet, it exists and it has a direction. It is a force that everything in the Universe has, and emanates.

More importantly it is a force that I and every living thing, every plant, anim rock - every thing - has. It is a force that I give out. I may not be conscious of it, but that does not make any difference. I still give it out. It is a part of life, and it may be the same as "purpose", I don't know.
What I do know is that like gravity and like magnetic force, or like love, you have to FEEL it, you can't "understand" it. And when you feel it, I only ever feel its direction, I feel the


It is hard to teach anyone about 'intent' - you just have to keep trying. There are no real words to describe the wordless.
The main thing I have found is: I need to be clear what my real intent actually IS right NOW. If I'm frazzled, hassled, flustered, angry, agitated etc.... my intent is all over the place... it is scattered not focussed and a mess. I think of it as a kind of pollution of my intent.

As I read back on my own writings I am struck how it starts to sound very Buddhist. Hm....

---o(O)o---

Carlos Castaneda [3] talks about intent in his books. He too says that there is no "HOW TO" about intent. You simply intend by intending. If you get all mind and head centered about it and start to argue and split hairs, then you have not 'got it'.


[1] dictionary.babylon.com/Run_around_like_a_headless_chook

[2] www.gondwananet.com/aussie-lingo.html

[3] www.prismagems.com/castaneda/

[4] xylantheum.blogspot.com/2009/03/living-story-adventure-how-to-enter.html








Some more Castaneda links below:

• http://www.sustainedaction.org/
• http://wanderling.tripod.com/castaneda.html
• http://www.nagual.net/