I am better than you, I am more important than you

2001 LAOS

"I am better than you!" 

 "I am more important than you"

what does that mean ? 

For years I tried to understand "better" and  I could not come up with a clear rational  answer. 

I came to the conclusion that it is purely an emotional reaction that makes no logical sense at all. 

It is a FEELING when someone says "I'm better than you"

Of course now that we all know consciously that we are not supposed to say "I am better than you", we don't say it, but we still feel it, mean it and think it, or  imply it. We censor ourselves.  

But all we have done is to hoodwink ourselves and pretend to ourselves we didn't say "I'm better than you." But of course just because we did not utter the words does not mean we didn't mean them, or imply them or believe and think them. 

Interesting as I write this now I am beginning to understand something: So that is what humility is: it is meaning/implying/thinking I'm the same as you, we are ONE, we are connected, we are both of the one source... however you want to put it. 

Just like "better than" these words are hard to grip with the mind. 

Hm.... thinking this through as I write it now: So that would make sense also with people we feel are "arrogant" or arrogant bastards. A person does not have to say or consciously think "I'm better than you scum" they can simply feel that way about the world, imply it,  have that attitude. 

Hm... interesting, it makes sense. 

If I have the deep attitude of "I'm better than all of your pathetic little scum", BUT I don't actually vocalize or admit it to myself, or to others, then I can hide that fact from myself, I can pretend that I DON'T think that, "I never said that, what do you mean I'm arrogant ? I never said I was better than you. It's YOU who have the problem ............blah blah  blah.. ". 

I still haven't really figured out what it means by "better" when I think "I'm better than you." (when I think, feel or mean it or imply or intent it)

So what does it mean when  I  say/think/mean/imply/feel  "I am better than you ?" 

Or "I am more IMPORTANT than you ?" 

"What does "IMPORTANT' really mean ? 

I know what it means intuitively - I just kind of KNOW in a way that is hard to explain what it means, but can I put it into words ? 

Not really. 

But, let me try....

"Better" & "Important" mean............"higher" - ok so what does that mean ? 

All those words: better, important, higher ......... what do they mean when I use them to in the sense of "I'm better than you ?" 

It is  hard to explain. 

I know when I meet someone who thinks they are better than me, 

When someone looks DOWN on me. 

I know the feeling I get then. It's a feeling, what is is int words ?

But what does it mean in words ? 

Arrrgggahhhh that is a hard one. 

In such situations little examples are best: 

If I think "I'm better than you (scum)" it means: I don't have to obey the rules you do, I have higher knowledge, I AM in my very BEING more refined, higher grade gold than you. 

I can do stuff you can't, I'm allowed to do stuff you ordinary mortals are not allowed to even dream of ha ha ha !!! 

example: VIP lounges, VIP treatments, at airports always irritated me for that reason. It's a way of formally saying, some people are more important than others, they don't have to wait so long, they don't get hassled as much, we trust them more, they get through security (i.e.INsecurity) faster and so on. 

The rules that hem in each of us normal people don't apply to "THEM who are a better" 

That really irritates me. 

Do I still want to be a VIP - If I'm honest yes. 

I hate being at the bottom of  the s*** heap, but I love being on top. 

That's not really fair is it ? If I dislike others being higher than me then I should not accept and strive to be higher. 

Or is my dislike just jealousy ? Just sour grapes ? 

I suspect so :-P

Of course the things that most irriatate us about  others are the things we carry within ourselves - ha ha ha ! So if arrogance really irritates me what does that mean about me.... errhum..... ! 

What ? ! Me ? arrogant ? 

Naww.... not me. 

I just don't like arrogant bastards who throw their weight about thinking they are better than everyone else and don't have to follow the same rules.... that kinda thing really gets me fired up. 

I'm standing up for justice here man ! 

I'm not arrogant, I'm standing up for the common man, the humble man. (I might do it with fists and a gun but hey I'm still fighting for justice !!! (i.e. f****ing for chastity) )

The mirror of life

There is another angle to this I never saw before: 

I don't have to physically say "I'm better than all of you (pathetic little scum)" but I can sort of mean it/ feel it/ intend it and still keep it from my conscious mind (because after all I didn't  actually SAY it ! did you HEAR me say it ? 

Of course you didn't ! I'm too smart to say it out loud, I'm too self deluded to admit it to myself... I'm in illusion (ah...so that is what they mean by "illusion", this kind of keeping  the truth from myself...) ahhh.....soooohh.... Master, I get it .... )

But there is something else that happens now: life reflects back to me the deep inner realities that are inside me, the ones I hide from myself, that I don't admit to consciously. 

Life manifests what is IN me and writes it out in large letters in the situations, circumstances of my life. 

Of course the link is not that obvious. 

If I want I can say: "Sugar, why does this happen to me ? I'm a nice guy, I don't understand why people think I'm an arrogant prick."

I can feel unfairly treated. 

And on one level I am right. I am not consciously being arrogant. 

But on another level I am arrogant, I really am, and it comes out in the things I do and how I do them and people around me react to it and I get the responses. 

Now I can reject that feedback (because that is what it is, feedback) and feel unfairly treated and victimized, 

OR

I can sit and think and say, "Hm.... so people around me think I'm arrogant. 

What is life reflecting back to me really ? 

Where INside  me, in my deep beliefs is that ? I'm not saying I'm better than others, but I somehow DO think I AM better than the majority of pathetic, stupid, ignorant humity..... "

And  if I'm honest enough with myself I'll find the place in myself where that arrogance lives, where I believe I have more rights just because I am I and they are they and they are not me. I will find that place where I feel I deserve more than them because I am I. 

Until I can truly treat myself as I treat others, with no  more favour and no less, I still harbour a form of distortion. 

When I  treat another person as I would myself, with no more or less privilege then I am truly humble and fair.... 

Does that mean I would not ask someone to do a job I would not do myself ? 

Yes. I think so. 

What about the street cleaner? 

Hm... 

A topic for another time.....

References:
- http://www.pathwork.org/
- Emmanuel

clever bullshit

I'm tired of writing clever bullshit.......

spiritual nice stuff

tired of the lovely understanding, deep clever philosophy crap......

first picture I found and uploaded, - you can guess where it is, not too hard... world famous...

so there.... stuff it all. 

I'm tired, 

nothing to say

bye,

maybe things change......

words

Master I'm sick of words. Words do not do it for me anymore.

Good.

Go behind the reality of words. Because in reality words do not exist, only the reality they describe.....

Words do not exist ?

Can you eat "I love you ?"

I see....

Words are tools like tongs. I use the tongs to put the cake on your plate. You still  need to eat it.

Eat it ?

How  do I eat words ?

Eating  words - means FEELing the reality they describe..... 

.

Saigon Feb2011

The Monastery of Life

Saigon Feb2011

I just got a message from YY about the MANY things she needs to do.

I have a very tight schedule for next two weeks.

Lots of meetings and appointments with HHH  for the whole 2 weeks.

I want to go to PPP  and LLL (Delta) for ...... this and .......and that ........and the other.........

I have to lead  ...................... on the weekend.
I chair the XYZ support network meeting on the following weekend.

I want to help  ABC  program opening ceremony on 9th of march for.......
I promised to attend .....................and help my lovely friend.....

I have a lot of stress to do these things, overwhelming

At the same time I want keep in touch with XYZ2.

SSS, tell me something.
YY

(details have been anonymized) 

Her message made me think a bit: so I wrote back: 


Dear YY,

Wow, you really have a LOT to do. 
A real lot. 

Do you remember sometimes we talked about going to a monastery, retreating from life to pursue spirit.  How nice that would be.
Let me think out loud about this: 
Isn't this a challenge for a monk or a nun.... ?
Perhaps this is the kind of thing nun/monk might be asked to do....? 

"What you do you mean ? How can all that running around and stressful stuff be the kind of thing a monk or nun is asked to do ? You got it wrong !"  



"Yes, well maybe,- what if we look at it another way."

The challenge is NOT about getting all those things done, it is rather about becoming aware of how I
resent, things I do and then how i force myself to do them. 
It is being aware of how I panic and run away from the whole situation....




For me the challenge is 
becoming aware of the panic, the resentment, the pushing without judging myself for it. 
notice this last bit: 
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF

AND
becoming aware of how I make myself rush, and  how I then lose the joy in the moment, 
and being aware of those things
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF
sending myself energy of love and acceptance
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF
sending myself energy of love and acceptance
WITHOUT JUDGING MYSELF
sending myself energy of love and acceptance

And is that way of being aware without judging not very similar to the way of meditation ? 

Have I not been told by the meditation masters to let the distractions arise and not to react, not to judge them but to let them pass through like the clouds in the sky... ? 

To let them come and let them go ? 

To me this looks like the same process, only now it is applied to the HERE and NOW of daily life, 

- not in the meditation posture, but in the flow of normal everyday life....

When I push and rush then I lose the trust in life, 
or perhaps it is the other way round: when I no longer believe that things WILL work out, then I push and rush... the result is the same.

There is NO simple method I can write down (for myself, you or anyone else), of how to get into the moment and into trust with life...
- but asking for help
- using the slow energy
might be a good place to start... and also:
- the inner smile (from Chi Gong), the secret inner smile...
- Other chi Gong techniques: breathe in the light, and imagine it comes from the center of the Universe and energizes you. ...


Being aware..... is the key... and is this not the theme of all mindfullness training,
is this not the theme of the monastic life ? 


So for me, there is no need to go to the monastery,
I am IN the Monastery of Life already.....
this kind of thing can be done every moment of the day,
the monastery is HERE with me NOW !!!
If Heiko can't find it HERE NOW then Heiko won't find it in the monastery either....
those are my thoughts - it my truth... whether it be your truth.... only YOU can decide :-)


All this is something I'm working on myself. I struggle with stress and panic and rushing and pushing all the time. We all do. Everyone does.
I suspect that the real solution is not full of struggle, but then I've not yet found the real solution....
I don't give you this as advice. Instead I share it as an idea to pursue if YOU want to. 
I am a total beginner in this myself... but I like this way of seeing things.
I can just imagine my master telling me something like this. 
I can just hear the words: 
"Ah Grasshopper, it is NOT about achieving the tasks on your list, is about being in the moment. The tasks are simply the training tools in the Gymnasium of spirit."  
And I would say:
"Ah master, that is easy for you say. It seems impossible to me. Look how we all struggle !" 
And my master would pour a cup of tea, sip it, look past me into the distance and say nothing.

And how do I know I have found the flow of the moment ?
how do I know I have let go of resentment, pushing, rushing, panic ?
Simple: when I flow in joy. 
when there is no  more forcing and pushing and straining and stressing.
When I flow with the river, rather than push it faster. or try to slow it down...
when I read the flow of the river and let it carry me ....
sounds like spiritual bullshit ?
ha ha ha, perhaps .... try it....
when I really works and I stop worrying,  stressing and just DO in trust then things really move and flow...there is not other way to put it....
yes, it takes me days of effort to get an hour of such flow....
but it is worth it
and I imagine that I can get it done more and more....
lets see....

I am reminded of the Thai concept of "sanuk" = joy, fun. 
They put sanuk into everything... like seasoning. 
They might have something there....

hope this makes some sense. Thank you for starting me thinking about all this....

SSS

I remember a friend told me once:

you lose 80% of your energy if you do things with resentment......

PS: 28Feb11- next day:  "you get what you concentrate on" i.e. what you think and focus on.

I realized: being aware of the resistance, the pushing, panic, pressure the is one thing,

focusing on it is another thing, - not a good thing. 

So I'm now focusing in the positive, such as the inner smile. 

An interesting distinction, which I only rediscovered once I started to act and do the things I wrote about above. 
HH


....................................................................................................
Dance me to the children who are asking to be born - Leonard Cohen 

Surgery under local anaesthetic  in Burma by the mobile Surgeon Dr Naga          

choosing our lifetime

YY said: Nobody knows where they have to go and which new body they will get in next life.

HR:  the secret is: WE decide ourselves where we are born and how and when.

It is a bit hard to understand but let me try to make it clearer.

When you are studying something, a language, maths, medical anatomy ...whatever, have you ever felt that there was some weakness in your studies, and you needed to practice it to get better ?
Perhaps it was something you really wanted to able to do but you were scared to do it?
Can you think of a situation like that ?
Try...

For me I once felt I really wanted to do electronic engineering, it fascinated me it scared me, I was afraid, I would not be smart enough.
At high school everyone thought I would be an engineer, they all thought I was smart enough. But I was scared, I chose to do a simpler course at High School, because I was afraid of the maths.

After 6 years of doing things I was NOT good at, and didn't really like or want to do, I realized: I really HAD to try to do this thing, I really wanted to do the maths, I had to face it and do it.

So I faced it. At age 27, I did the last year of high school again, doing a more difficult maths.
I studied like crazy, I got very good marks. I was surprised.
All I wanted to do was NOT to fail.
I was so so scared of failing.

I went to University to do engineering at age 28, and I was really scared really scared of failing.
I worked like crazy.
I got the medal as top student of the University, the top prize.
I was surprised.

How does this relate to choosing your life, where you are born and what parents and country and race you are ?
I decided to face my fear of maths and failure and forced myself to do something I had successfully avoided.
In the same way I look at everyone who is born as courageous souls who decided to seek the light in the darkness inside them. (or something like that.)

The same: our core, the really deep deep part of us, knows what we want and it decides "I really want to learn this, this and that...." I need to face my fear here and I need to deal with this and that in myself. I need to overcome a fear here and misconception there and once I do my life will open up to give me the next steps..."

.....and so in a place beyond time and space we focus on the right environment, that teaches us,
We decide this with others, on that other level.

Life is NOT  punishment,
Life on earth is not second rate to some other place.
I don't want to escape this life, I'm here to learn, just as I would go to University and learn, (can be fun, can be stressful, but depends on the student and his teachers).
I'll go 'home' and review my lessons and then come back for more.
In one sense, we are all strangers in a strange land. The ultimate travellers between a place of no time and no space, to a place of space and time, and back again.....


I enrolled myself in this life, I chose to put in some tough things to overcome and work on (relationships, old fears, old scars, special talents encrypted till a certain age... etc...)
I think whatever I get in this life, on that other higher level I wanted it. Our soul deep down knows what it wants, there  are no stuff ups, not mistakes.
Of course the human personality in me find things hard, scary, and wants to avoid and run from them., but that is no surprise: I'm are here to deal with things I'm afraid to face. So of course it will be tough at times.
Else I'm not really learning anything.

There is little point going to primary school to learn the ABC if you are a genius in writing.
My lessons are cleverly set out by my higher self before birth, the exact nature of them is not set in concrete, but the basic gist of them is.
And since there is no time as we  know it (not linear time anyway) we have all eternity. But while I'm here, I am bound to the local customs and culture of this world, and time DOES matter.. (sort of). :-)
When in Rome do as the Romans do, when in human form, do as humans do... he he he

Life on earth is a schoolroom, we are here to learn.
sounds too simple does it not?
I guess saying it like that is too simple. It is glib and simplistic, too simple yes, I agree. I dislike such simple things trotted out in response to deep painful hurt  and questioning by someone.
But all I really want to say here is: we chose it.
It is good to be here.
Trying to escape into stuff, makes it harder.
Even trying to escape into "enlightenment" can be an escape.
Where am I afraid ? there is my lesson.
Where will I never ever accept something ?

There is the hard parts that need softening in love.

etc....
enough
H